Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Sometimes You Just Know

Definitely, I could not pick up where I left off.

A lot has happened in the last fifteen months - ups and downs and everything in between. I would have kept silent about them. After all, I'm used to keeping things to myself. Believe me, only a fraction has been written on these pages. But I guess, when one has few avenues to relay his thoughts, the subconscious mind will find a way to get it out of his system. Hence, this entry.

I thought the story of John Stan has already ended. It was a story of successes and failures, of love and hate, of falling down and standing up again, of making mistakes and learning from them. Most importantly, it was a story of hope.

But I do not own this story alone.

I see them in all the people who have seen and experienced this part of my life. I see them in readers who reached out. I see them in friends I have met on my journeys. I see them in lovers I have shared a piece of my heart.

I am the sum of all these experiences.

I am the totality of all my choices in life.

I could change. I might. 

But it will not be because of someone else. That choice is mine alone.

And when you embrace me, it's not just the true, the good and the beautiful. You have to embrace the darkness that comes with it.

It's either all of me or none at all.

It does not really entail a lot of thinking. It does not need proof nor evidence. You just believe.

Because sometimes you just know.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

A Start of Something New

Siguro I will just start with, "You wouldn't believe what happened last night!" - A Twitter Update

After a night-out with some friends, I was seriously considering going to this (in)famous bar in Ortigas. Perhaps, it was due to increased self-restraint that I finally decided not to and instead, after less than 20 minutes, I found myself sitting inside the car with you Jason, my ex-boyfriend.

It has been more than six months since we last saw each other. I perfectly remember the scene at the parking lot - our break-up episode, so to speak. There were no more words nor explanations, no more questions and no more turning back on my part. There were a lot of tears. 

A final kiss, a final embrace.

But last night was different. The animosity between us is gone. True, it was a bit awkward talking about some things from our past but I guess, in order to fully heal our wounds, we have to once more go down the road less traveled, admit our mistakes and learn from our experiences.

I find it amusing that you want me to vent out my supposed anger at you when in fact there was none. Or at least none anymore.

There was only acceptance - a fact of life learned - of the truth that we do not need to be together to love each other. Like I said, you will always have a special place in my heart and that at one point in time, you were the love of my life.

Sabi mo, we are not defined by our past and I agree with you. We are defined by our decisions. Good or bad, for better or for worse, what matters is that we have the courage to stand up for it.

In doing so, we both came out of this as better individuals.

And for that alone, I want to say thank you.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

And Then I Remember

A few years ago, I made it a personal rule not to mess with 'em younger than me by three years or more. Time passed and the reason for such had already been forgotten.

But now I remember why.

Monday, November 19, 2012

it was perfect

I was driving home last night when this song blared through Zoom's speakers.

My idea of a perfect Christmas
Is to spend it with you
In a party or dinner for two
Anywhere would do
 

Celebrating the yuletide season
Always lights up our lives
Simple pleasures are made special too
When they're shared with you


O e di ako na ang nag-emo bigla.

I suddenly remembered Christmas of 2011. Yeah, we were together having dinner at this simple restaurant overlooking the city.

It was, indeed, perfect while it lasted.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

what happens next

Today would have been our third anniversary.

And while we have been apart for more than three months already, I can't help but stop for a while and reminisce the love we shared in the past and, probably, think about the "what could have beens" of the future.
I must admit, forgiving you was no mean feat. For I have been true to you - I have shown you the best and worst of me - hoping that by being honest, loyal and true, we will be together until the best and worst of times pass us by. I loved you deeply, perhaps the deepest I have loved.
But I guess that is not enough. And that forever is only wishful thinking.
I remember the broken promises.
I remember the unexplainable situations. And how the simple truth uncovered the unexplained.
Perhaps, I was just too blind to see. Or too blind to accept what's in front of me all along.
Trust, maybe? Or was it fear?
Then again, the answer is not important anymore. Because when I decided to end our relationship, I also decided that there was no more turning back.
Pride? It could be.
After all, I was very much willing to face the consequences of my decision. Come what may.
Yes, there are nights I cry myself to sleep.
But I wake up in the morning loving myself more and more.
So here I am writing this entry today, on what could have been our third anniversary. I could have been in a very difficult situation like before. But I chose to be in the right path.
I chose to be the better person.
And I guess, it's time to ponder again.
What happens next?

Sunday, August 12, 2012

In your shoes

This must be how you felt back then.

Now I realize that in love, time is not of the essence.

It is in how you love deeply, honestly, truly.

And I am deeply, honestly, truly sorry.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Paalam

"Pwede ba kitang mayakap?", tanong mo na may halong alinlangan.

Halos madurog ang puso ko ng yakapin kita at magsimula kang humagulgol. Ilang sandali pa ay hindi ko na rin napigilan ang masaganang pagdaloy ng luha sa aking mga mata.

At doon sa maliit na espasyong nagkukubli ng ating mga kahinaan, ibinuhos natin ang nilalaman ng ating mga damdamin. Walang mga salita pero sapat na ang katahimikan para maunawaan natin ang isa't isa.

Mahal na mahal kita pero higit pa rito ang sakit na idinulot mo. Mapapatawad kita pero ang lahat ng bagay ay magpapaalala sa akin ng tatlong taong puno ng kasinungalingan. Hindi madaling kalimutan ang nakaraan pero kakayanin ko, para sa ikatatahimik nating dalawa.

Jason, marahil sa mga oras na 'to ay binabasa mo ang mensahe kong ito. Nawa'y makita mo ang kaligayahang hindi ko naibigay sa 'yo.