Saturday, January 20, 2018

One Lasting Time

183, 153 miles.

That was the total distance I have travelled in the last three years.

Three years of single-blessedness.

You see, a few years back, I quit my job in Manila to start my career as an international travelling consultant in my field of specialization. It was not an easy decision because I never really had any reason to leave my previous company save for the promise of exploring the world for free while earning more handsomely on the side.

That decision came with a lot of rewards but with one catch – you cannot build lasting relationships while jumping around from places to places, not knowing where you will go next or when you are coming home.

There's simply no time for love.

And so, for three years, I made sure to put myself in control of my emotions. Sure there were instances when I wanted to give in. Because why not? Love, they say, is the best thing in the world. But considering my situation, I knew that going further will just lead to a lot of pain.

And no matter what I do or how serious things may become, in the end, I will always say goodbye. That is my truth for now.

But don't get me wrong. I haven't given up on love. Heck, sometimes I even think about all those missed opportunities! Who would wish coming home to an empty apartment or hotel room all the time? I long for someone to be there.

To share laughter and tears, excitement, wonder.

To face the world and conquer our fears together.

Or to just simply enjoy the silence of a boring day.

I want all of that and more. I wish to experience that for one more time – one last time.

One lasting time.

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Being busy with work the past few days helped me clear my head.

I realized there’s no point retelling this tale as there were no substantial twists that made it a bit more exciting - boy meets boy, they fell in love, they were happy (for a time), they fought (a lot, if I may say so), they separated.

End of story.

I take my portion of the blame. I have always admitted my faults.


If he is now in a relationship with someone he doesn't love, the fault was not mine. I did not make that choice. So don’t blame me.

Now I’m closing the last chapter of our book, setting it on fire.

Friday, September 19, 2014

A Sign of Things to Come

Did you know that on our first “date”, the bill we paid at the restaurant amounted to 666 Pesos? I guess it was a sign that we were doomed from the start. Then again, we ended up in a motel room somewhere so everything must be going well, right?

That was Monday night – exactly two days after we officially met. 

Monday, September 15, 2014

A Prelude to a Journey Back in Time

It doesn't matter how many break-ups you have had before. It always hurts like it's the first time. But time heals all wounds, they say. I say it's true, for some.

Did you know I'm friends with all my exes? Yes, all of them! Even Jason who I thought hurt me the most. It was no mean feat and definitely took time. How it happened? Because I never burn bridges.

Well, not until today.

Not until Bar.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Sometimes You Just Know

Definitely, I could not pick up where I left off.

A lot has happened in the last fifteen months - ups and downs and everything in between. I would have kept silent about them. After all, I'm used to keeping things to myself. Believe me, only a fraction has been written on these pages. But I guess, when one has few avenues to relay his thoughts, the subconscious mind will find a way to get it out of his system. Hence, this entry.

I thought the story of John Stan has already ended. It was a story of successes and failures, of love and hate, of falling down and standing up again, of making mistakes and learning from them. Most importantly, it was a story of hope.

But I do not own this story alone.

I see them in all the people who have seen and experienced this part of my life. I see them in readers who reached out. I see them in friends I have met on my journeys. I see them in lovers I have shared a piece of my heart.

I am the sum of all these experiences.

I am the totality of all my choices in life.

I could change. I might. 

But it will not be because of someone else. That choice is mine alone.

And when you embrace me, it's not just the true, the good and the beautiful. You have to embrace the darkness that comes with it.

It's either all of me or none at all.

It does not really entail a lot of thinking. It does not need proof nor evidence. You just believe.

Because sometimes you just know.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

A Start of Something New

Siguro I will just start with, "You wouldn't believe what happened last night!" - A Twitter Update

After a night-out with some friends, I was seriously considering going to this (in)famous bar in Ortigas. Perhaps, it was due to increased self-restraint that I finally decided not to and instead, after less than 20 minutes, I found myself sitting inside the car with you Jason, my ex-boyfriend.

It has been more than six months since we last saw each other. I perfectly remember the scene at the parking lot - our break-up episode, so to speak. There were no more words nor explanations, no more questions and no more turning back on my part. There were a lot of tears. 

A final kiss, a final embrace.

But last night was different. The animosity between us is gone. True, it was a bit awkward talking about some things from our past but I guess, in order to fully heal our wounds, we have to once more go down the road less traveled, admit our mistakes and learn from our experiences.

I find it amusing that you want me to vent out my supposed anger at you when in fact there was none. Or at least none anymore.

There was only acceptance - a fact of life learned - of the truth that we do not need to be together to love each other. Like I said, you will always have a special place in my heart and that at one point in time, you were the love of my life.

Sabi mo, we are not defined by our past and I agree with you. We are defined by our decisions. Good or bad, for better or for worse, what matters is that we have the courage to stand up for it.

In doing so, we both came out of this as better individuals.

And for that alone, I want to say thank you.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

And Then I Remember

A few years ago, I made it a personal rule not to mess with 'em younger than me by three years or more. Time passed and the reason for such had already been forgotten.

But now I remember why.