Wednesday, December 31, 2008

experiment

sinabi ko dati sa sarili ko, "i will try everything at least once".

iyan lang kasi ang alam kong paraan upang matutunan ang mga bagay tungkol sa ating naiiba pero makulay na mundo. isang pag-aaral ng sarili at mga bagay na kaya kong gawin; isang experiment sa pag-alam ng aking hangganan.

hindi ako member ng kahit anong grupo at lumalakad akong mag-isa pero hindi ito nangangahulugang isa akong loner. gaya ng karamihan sa atin, umiikot ako sa mundo ng mga straight - mga kaibigan at mga katrabaho. sigurado akong naiintindihan ninyo ang aking kalagayan lalo pa at pinili kong ilihim sa lahat ang tunay na ako.

pero mahirap palang alamin ang everything. dahil sa aking paglalakbay, marami palang paniniwala ang maaaring maisakripisyo sa ngalan ng pagtuklas. gayunpaman, ilang mga bagay na rin ang aking napatunayan at natutunan. simple kung tutuusin, hindi kakaiba sapagkat marami na rin sa atin ang nakakaalam. marahil nasa kanya-kanya na nating pananaw ang kaibahan.

gay scene. kapag nabanggit 'yan, malamang sa hindi ay malate ang unang papasok sa isip natin. sinubukan kong puntahan ang bed bar upang malaman kung ano ba ang maaaring makita dito. hindi naman ako virgin o prude at wala namang mawawala sa akin pero siguro nga ay taliwas ito sa aking nakasanayan at paniniwala, mga simpleng dahilan kung bakit hindi ko na ginawang balikan pa ang lugar na yon. (paalala: maraming matutuluyan sa paligid, iwasan ang arirang hotel.)

bathhouse. minsan na akong pumasok sa epitome. hindi ko alam kung ako ay matatawa sapagkat tiyak namang karamihan sa inabutan ko ay magkakakilala na at ang tingin nila sa akin ay fresh meat. dahil likas ding may pagka-suplado, wala silang napala sa akin. madali lang naman kasi akong kausap, 'wag lang dadakma agad. nanakit din ang palad ko sa kapapalo ng mga kamay na gumagapang sa dilim.

massage parlor. nasa private room na ko 'nung tinanong ko 'yung sarili ko kung bakit ba talaga ko nandun sa lugar na yun. ang ending, ang boxer shorts ay hindi bumaba sa kinalalagyan. kawawa naman 'yung masahista, nagsimula siya na naka-sando at shorts at natapos ng hubo't hubad pero wala pa ring epekto.

ilan lamang ang mga ito sa mga bagay na aking sinubukan. sa ngayon, mga gay networking sites naman ang tema ng aking eksperimento. ilang profiles na rin ang aking pinagpiyestahan; nakakatuwa kasi yung iba't ibang pamamaraan ng mga members sa pagpapakilala ng sarili nila.

at dahil patapos na rin ang taon, napapanahon ng muling tanawin ang repleksyon ng ating pagkatao at balikan ang mga aral na hatid ng karanasan na nakalipas. nawa'y maging gabay ang mga aral na ito sa ating pagharap sa hamon ng darating na panahon.

pwede na ba 'kong bumati ng happy new year?


***

would it make any difference if i did not italicize the english words?

Saturday, December 27, 2008

break

i took an early hiatus from work and travelled all the way up north to spend the holidays with the family. this is a tradition that i intend to keep whether i am single or otherwise. if, in case, a certain somebody comes along, then i am reserving the new year for him (or her?). we'll welcome that with fireworks (no pun intended).

however, the long break has, indeed, been a time for me to consider my pathetic lovelife. right before i took my break, i was confronted with issues that i have long eluded; issues, which up to now, i am not yet ready to face.

let's say that, hypothetically, you are in my shoes. would you make a choice among these:

1. someone from the past who's trying to make a comeback and, annoyingly, acts as if everything is the same as where you left off;

2. someone in your present who's quite keen in turning the relationship that you have into something serious; and

3. a jealous husband with three kids who professes his love to you and already acts as your boyfriend.

its hard, right? but the thing is, i don't want to choose, at least not yet.

do you think i'm selfish? or is my hair just too long, hahaha.

happy christmas to everyone!


***

ahh, holidays! peace at last...

Thursday, December 18, 2008

fast lane

i am not escaping but i just had to get out. i am at a crossroad but i don't know where to go. i need to think, i need to breath, i need a moment of solitude. and there, standing at the top of the hill, i experienced a rewind.

***

of all the stories in the world, love, probably, has the most predictable ending. for in its finale, there are only two, the heartbreaking "goodbye" and the elusive "happily ever after".

i first learned about it seven years ago. no, its not me. a friend knocked me with it, freaked me out at first. but stupidity took over; i gave in; lasted for eleven days. and the first goodbye was said.

not long after came another one. she was a challenge, some beauty queen whom others are treating with high regard. she enjoyed every minute of fame but she fell in my hands. we enjoyed each other's company and yet my friends were against her. another sad ending for we are over three days before our first month.

shine, hmmm, how can i forget? the first one i brought home; the first one whose family i dared to meet. i had plans for us but apparently, fate demands otherwise. two years of hide and seek and then it was goodbye.

then i met you. i never gave you much thought really but fate again intervened; i fell. we love each other, yes, that much is clear. words may not be said all the time but the actions more than compensate for each unvoiced feeling. sad, it was love that was not meant to be. i hoped to enjoy every minute of it, you never gave me the chance.

and so i played. i never meant to hurt others but that seemed to be the consequence of my actions. who said they can fall in love with me? that was not part of the deal.

but one set apart from the pack, loved me more than anybody else. i tried again but failed. you kept me bound by your lingering memory. heart and mind was fighting, conscience won. so what we have, i ended. for it is not fair that i can't return the love i receive.

and i said goodbye to you, too. we talked. but unlike how we usually talk before, this time it was on my terms. no questions asked, no accusations hurled, no explanations given. everything was just meant to say goodbye and to thank you for being a part of my life.

i grew up, that much i realized. mistakes were made, hearts were broken, all in the name of love. how fast everything has been, indeed. so fast that everyday is still a fresh memory, the faces, the smiles, even the tears.

and i decided to stop the hunt. the predator has stopped looking for his prey. but to give up i won't do, for i know that someday, sometime, in a crossroad somewhere, our paths are destined to meet.

i have had my fair share of goodbyes. regret, i don't have any. i guess that was the unvoiced rule. make your mistakes but learn from them. grieve for being hurt, that's what humans do. but don't dwell in every sad experience. roll with pain but bounce back.

the "happily ever after" is still elusive. but the book is not yet finished, a lot of chapters still remain to be written. i hope to make each one of them more meaningful, to make every page create its own world; a world that reflects my passion, a world that reflects how much i have grown.

i am christian and this is my moulin rouge. i am jack and this is my titanic. i am noah and this is my notebook. i am oliver barrett iv and this is my love story.


***

i saw a mixture of emotions slowly drifting away in the wind leaving my mind clear, never to wander again.

Friday, December 12, 2008

i learned

on this day two years ago, i met this person who played an important role in the story of my life. he is the living proof that i am capable of so many things, things that i never realized i could do. through him, i was able to learn a bunch of life's lessons, shaping me into the person that i am now.

i learned to listen without passing judgment.

i learned to share my stories, something that i never do.

i learned to laugh at the simplest jokes.

i learned that my way is not always right.

i learned to compromise.

i learned to appreciate what i have.

i learned that acting like an adult is not always healthy.

two years forward and i lost that person already. but since the spirit of the holidays is very much alive, i refuse to give in again to the gloomy weather. so aside from what i mentioned above, there are other lessons which i think are quite important for me to remember.

i learned that kissing is very hard when both of you are wearing glasses, especially if you're riding a public transport, in broad daylight.

i learned that the horror house in star city is a nice place to make out.

i learned that paying the meralco bill can be a good date.

i learned that when you're dining out with the same guy in the same restaurant for a number of times, waitresses tend to look at you suspiciously.

i learned that it feels nice to hug, just hug, under the shower.

i learned that having ice cream is effective in easing the heat of the moment.

i learned that hindi lang kumain ang masarap sa chow king.

enough said.


***

you need another person to make you realize who you really are and what you are capable of.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

pagkamulat

bago ko pa man binuksan ang blog na ito ay marami-rami na rin akong naisulat. ang entry na ito ay bunga ng isang ala-ala na matagal din bago ko nagawang talikuran, kalimutan, at pulutan ng aral.


***

april 28

sa friendster kami unang nagkakilala. yes, i know what you're thinking, its not the best place to meet someone you'd expect to share a wonderful relationship with. i never expected it too, never given much thought about it. at least, not yet during that one fateful day in december of 2006.

we started burning hours at yahoo messenger. basta may pagkakataon din lang, chat ang pampalipas namin ng oras. apart from that, we're talking every night over the phone. probably, what kept the conversations going is the fact that we understood each other. both of us knew when to listen.

hanggang sa naging kami na nga. ironic ang sitwasyon sapagkat hindi pa kami nagkikita ng personal. sa baguio siya nakatira at nagtratrabaho. ako naman ay nandito. i'm already working full time. siya rin but aside from that, patapos na siya ng kanyang law degree.

just like any normal couple, nagtatalo rin kami sa ilang mga bagay. nakakatawa nga minsan. imagine you're fighting with someone you haven't seen yet. pero talaga sigurong ganun. we even reached a point of calling it quits. and that was the first time i cried.

abril na nun 'nung lumuwas siya ng manila to take up review classes at up. i was supposed to go to baguio para puntahan siya pero siya na rin ang nagsabi sa akin na bababa siya. and the first ever meeting was set.

memorable yun para sakin. hindi lang dahil pinili niyang dun kami magkita sa harap ng sss building sa east avenue, kundi dahil noon ko nasigurado sa sarili ko na mahal ko siya talaga. and that first meeting paved the way for our eventual reconciliation. it was my birthday last year nang binigyan niya ko ng necklace at teddy bear - not really the gifts i was expecting (sa totoo lang, hindi naman talaga ko nag-expect) but much, much appreciated.

we only see each other once a week kaya markado sa kalendaryo ko ang lahat ng araw ng linggo. ayos lang naman yun dahil bar examinations niya ang priority namin. i was also quite busy back then because i was preparing for my trip abroad come september.

at ang minsang pagkikita ay lalo na ngang dumalang. even the messages and the calls sometimes failed. yet, i knew for a fact that what i'm feeling for this person is still the same.

i never really knew what went wrong. humingi siya sakin ng space and knowing how crucial the time is, binigay ko yun sa kanya. after that, bihira na lang kaming magkita.

ilang araw bago dumating ang birthday niya nung september nang inaya ko siyang lumabas. i did it mainly to say goodbye because i'm leaving in a few days. alam ko ring hindi na kami magkikita dahil bar exams season na. dalawang bagay ang binigay ko sa kanya nun. yung una ay isang relo bilang regalo sa birthday niya.

pangalawa ay isang pangako na sa aking pagbabalik ay itutuwid ko ang mga maling nangyari. subalit hindi niya alam ang pangakong yun. hindi ako nagkaroon ng lakas ng loob na sabihin 'yun sa kanya.

matagal-tagal din akong nawala sa pilipinas nun. and yet i tried all possible ways to communicate - sms, instant messages, calls, e-mails, i did it all. pero siguro nga ay hanggang dun na lang kami.

nakabalik na siya ng baguio when i returned to the philippines. nagpalipas lang ako ng oras hoping na mawawala kung anuman yung nararamdaman ko. i let myself be absorbed to my work. i also went out with others, got into not-so-serious relationships, played with my heart.

i took so many roads and yet all of them led to one point - mahal ko pa rin siya. big reason kung bakit ako umakyat ng baguio last march.

pero siguro nga ay doon na nagtapos ang lahat. i already lost the first person that i really, truly loved. as much as i want to continue where we left off, things already changed.

we talked over the phone last night. pumunta siya ng manila ngayong araw na ito. dahil kaninang alas-2 ng hapon, nanumpa na siya bilang isang ganap na abogado.


***

i did not mean to be emotional; its not my fault; its raining...

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

pagtatago

consistent honor student
quiz bowl national champion
university student government president
cum laude
top 16, board examination
junior manager

hindi ko ninanais na ipagyabang subalit ano ang kahalagahan ng mga bagay na ito sa buhay ko ngayon? sapat na ba ang mga achievement na ito para sabihing kumpleto na ang aking pagkatao?

marahil ang mga bagay ring ito ang siyang dahilan kung bakit ako patuloy na nagtatago sa dilim. sa lipunang aking ginagalawan, higit pa ring mas matimbang ang pagtingin sa mga kalalakihan. sadyang hindi ko pa kayang bitiwan ang mga perks na dulot ng pagiging straight.

mataas ang pagtingin ko sa mga tulad nating iniladlad ang sarili sapagkat sa araw-araw ay nakikibaka sila para sa pagtanggap ng ibang tao. di hamak na higit ang bagay na ito kaysa sa mga bagay na naabot ko na para sa sarili ko. dahil sa katunayan, wala ng mas mataas na pagkilala kundi ang maipakita ang tunay na pagkatao sa harapan ng iba.

alam kong darating din ang araw na kailangan ko itong ipaalam sa aking mga kakilala. sa ngayon, pipilitin ko munang sagutin ang mga tanong na tulad ng "kailan ka ba mag-aasawa?". sa puntong ito, marahil ako ay magsisinungaling.

pero sa totoo lang, sino ba ang hindi?


***

your acceptance is not important to me, but right now, my priorities are.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

alinlangan

hindi ko na matandaan kung kailan nagsimula. basta dumating na lang sa akin 'yung katotohanang nagkakagusto ako sa kapwa ko lalake. sa una marahil ay paghanga sa panlabas na kaanyuan. at bakit hindi? sa kabila ng realidad ay lalake pa rin ako, at likas ng paminsan-minsan ay madumi ang aking isipan.

walang sinumang nakakaalam nito sa aking mga kaibigan. 'nung college kami ay madalas nila kong biruing "makati pa sa higad" dahil kabi-kabila ang mga babaeng aking niligawan. gayunpaman, alam nila na tatlo lang ang sineryoso ko 'nung kami ay nag-aaral pa.

kahit ngayong tanggap ko na ang sarili ko na ganito, hindi pa rin nagbabago ang aking pananaw pagdating sa pakikipagrelasyon. siguro sa mundong ating ginagalawan, ako yung maaaring tawaging conservative at traditional. marunong pa rin akong manligaw, nagkataon lang na sa kapwa ko na lalake tumitibok ang aking puso.

subalit hindi ko itinatangging dumaan din ako sa stage na kung saan ay mas malakas ang tawag ng pangangailangan kaysa idinidikta ng aking isip. nandyan si erwin, si jayme, si jeff at ilan pang hindi ko na matandaan ang mga pangalan; mga taong nagbigay ng panandaliang kasiyahan pero hindi nagawang gisingin ang aking natutulog na damdamin.

naghahanap ba ko ng pagmamahal? marahil. hindi ko alam.


***

and i decided to stop the hunt. the predator has stopped looking for his prey. but to give up i won't do, for i know that someday, sometime, in a crossroad somewhere, our paths are destined to meet.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

ako si stan

kailangan bang bigyan ng paliwanag kung bakit ang isang lalake ay nagkakagusto sa kanyang kapwa lalake? kailangan ba siyang bigyan ng ibang katawagan?

kapag ipinanganak ang isang tao, dalawa lamang ang kanyang maaaring maging kasarian. sa oras na lumabas siya sa sinapupunan, sasabihin ng doktor na "its a boy/girl". paano niya ito nasabi? dahil nakita niya mismo ang katibayan gamit ang kanyang mga mata.

wala pa kong nababalitaang doktor na nagsabing, "congratulations! its gay". dahil ang bagay na ito ay nasa isip lamang. science lang ang pwedeng magpabago ng kasarian ng isang tao.

ngayon, kung sasabihin kong nagkakagusto ako sa kapwa ko lalake, anong tawag mo sa akin?

lalake. dahil yun ang sabi ng doktor. dahil yun ang nakasulat sa aking birth certificate. dahil yun ang alam kong dapat itawag sa sarili ko.

ako si stan. 'yan ang pangalang bumuo ng aking pagkatao.