Thursday, December 31, 2009

what happened was

tonight comes the last few hours of 2009. kung anumang putukan ang maganap mamaya lang, wala sa plano ko yan, promise.

anyway, the past year has been a big roller-coaster ride for me, both in my professional and personal life. i consider each achievement a milestone; each milestone the spice that adds flavor to the main ingredients of my life.

looking back, john stan came into full bloom this year. from just a mere persona created from the depths of my being, i was able to embrace him as an integral part of my personality. thus, come early part of the year, i decided that it was, indeed, time to cross over the fence and introduce myself to the world, well, the discreet world, that is.

from then on, john stan has continued to evolve, adapting to his environment but still maintaining the essence within. true, change is inevitable and this blog has been a witness to my many transformations. you were there with me in my successes and victories but most importantly, you never left me in times of failures, in moments of defeats.

ilan sa inyo ay nakiiyak sa akin. marami ay natawa sa mga kalokohan ko sa buhay. siguro marami ring nagalit dahil sa aking mga desisyon. may mga nagpayo, sumuporta, nakisaya, nagtaas ng kilay, bumuntong-hininga. anuman ang inyong naging pagtanggap sa aking pagkatao, rest assured that i am very thankful to all. never did i realize until now that i am capable of drawing such emotions from a diverse group of people.

to those of you who decided to not only become mere readers but be my friends as well, maraming maraming salamat. you are all inspirations to me for it is only with you where i can truly be myself. and you all understood why, without passing judgment. teka, sino-sino na nga kayo?

at sa mga nagtataka kung bakit marami raw alam sa blogosphere si john stan, sorry but really, it's not my fault. when we write the stories of our lives, most of the time, we reveal more about ourselves than what we want to. madaling buhulin ang mga lubid ng kwento. madaling tahiin ang mga retaso ng ating pagkatao. kung may nalaman ako tungkol sa inyo, sisihin ang blogspot, ang twitter at ang facebook.

to all of you who walked with me in 2009, thank you very much. sana, mas maraming taon pa tayong pagsamahan.


alam ko, bawal ang past tense sa title pero pagbigyan niyo na ko. new year naman. wala lang talaga akong ibang maisip.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

some kind of foreplay

such an effort.

yes, i guess that's how i would describe what happened a few nights back. the meet-up was relatively simple but taking him to bed was another story altogether. you see, he used to be a "iskolar ng bayan". he came from the same place where tristan probably lost his virginity. note the term probably for i am just assuming.

anyway, the guy is a knock-out for those who dig the moreno-chinito types. quite opinionated and oftentimes intellectual, he likes talking about different topics ranging from the latest headlines up to the most trivial of stuff. thus, in order to warm the mood, i have to unleash the inner geek in me and play with him head on.

we ended up in bed alright, but not after i had my first nose-bleed discussing subjects worthy of an audience. and why not when you're talking about these:

a. on which logistics company is better in terms of services and customer satisfaction,

b. on why pasig has been greatly affected by ondoy,

c. on why iskolar's are liberated,

d. on which engineering discipline is most in-demand,

e. on why integral calculus is integral in college education, and

f. on how calcium carbonate became an important element (well, technically, a compound) of my job.

funny, i was actually imagining him reaching orgasm shouting the empirical formula for lime, "CaCO3, ahhh, CaCO3, ahhh, CaCOOOOOOOOOO3!".


Sunday, December 27, 2009

fork in the road

sabi mo, you don't do love.

sabi ko, ako rin.

'yun pala pareho tayong nagsinungaling.

hayun tuloy, lalong gumulo 'yung sitwasyon.

masyadong kumplikado.

siguro mas madali kung ngayon pa lang,

umiwas na ko.

Friday, December 25, 2009

on christmas eve

it's christmas day today and i'm still here at work hoping that any minute soon i'll be able to get my ass off from my seat and drive away home. as luck would have it, we'll be able to finish by lunchtime and everything's gonna be up and running.

this has been quite an experience for me. as i have said before, i'm used to being at home during the yuletide season. but things change and now, i am no more in control of my schedule. however, i'd like to point out too that even though noche buena was not spent with the family, i did enjoy it as much with such wonderful and nice people.

and thus, i'd like to thank ternie and his gang for adopting me last night. even though i was the newbie in the crowd, i never, for one moment, felt out of place. in fact, unexpectedly, this is one of my better christmases.

ternie, natuwa ako sa platito mo. ang cute.

eb, ang kulit mo pala talaga 'pag naka-red horse.

cb, nice to finally meet you. ipakilala mo naman si married officemate. i'll bring a shopping bag na lang.

lukayo, ang perky lang ng nipple mo last night ha!

thanks guys for the wonderful christmas dinner.

and thanks, too, to joms and bitch for checking on me last night. nahipo ako, hehehe!

happy christmas to all.

Monday, December 21, 2009


right now i can't help but feel sorry for myself.

whatever drive there is to finish all my tasks right before christmas day has already been extinguished thanks to this crazy news that i receive this early monday morning.

i thought i got everything settled already. i know we're running on a very tight schedule that's why i planned my trip home on the night of the twenty-fourth. with almost three hours on the road, i'm pretty sure i'll be able to enjoy noche buena with my family. of course, next day would not only be christmas but also my granny's eighty-sixth birthday. as always, all of us children and grandchildren alike will be there to celebrate together. it was, after all, a family tradition.

but i won't be able to join my family this year. the top bosses made sure of that.

i'll be working on christmas day.


in my entire life, i haven't experienced christmas day without my family. i know it's not that big a deal to some but it is to me. worse, i can already imagine how sad it would be on the night of the twenty-fourth - as families and friends exchange greetings and well-wishes, i'd be there in my dark room, alone, waiting for sleep to conquer my consciousness.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

this christmas


lahat naman ng pinangarap ko, ibinigay mo.

ngayong pasko, pasasalamat lang ang nais kong i-alay sa 'yo.

john stan

Saturday, December 12, 2009

"lutang" moment

ala-una ng hapon, patay na oras, tirik ang araw at sa loob ng isang air-conditioned na kwarto.

nagmi-meeting kami tungkol sa mga activities sa planta ng biglang magsarili na naman ng lakad ang utak ko. halatang hindi na naman ako nakikinig sa boring na usapan kaya pinili kong yumuko at kunwari ay nagbabasa ng mga notes sa aking planner.

subalit nasobrahan yata ang paglalakbay ng aking utak kaya tuluyan na akong nawala sa sarili at napakanta.

don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
i say, don't cha.

nagulat na lang ako ng biglang tumahimik ang paligid.

hindi ko na nagawang mag-angat pa ng mukha.

Monday, December 7, 2009

coming out... sort of | part three

coming out... sort of | part one

coming out... sort of | part two

without saying a word, i got up from the bed, ready to walk away. but as i did, he got up quickly as well and hug me tightly, my back against him.

i heard his uneasy breathing near my ears. and then a whisper.

"i've been wanting to do this for the longest time."


i don't know what came over me but i just stood there silently. even when he started kissing my nape, i did not utter a single word. i felt his hands move from my arms to my shoulders, slowly directing me to face him. our eyes met and i was trying to read the message in there but all i see is desire. i saw his face moving towards mine until our lips met.

that hotel room was a witness to my many firsts. and i must say that i did enjoy the night with him. it was a different feeling, something that i haven't experienced before; weird in some way but nonetheless fulfilling.

funny, but unlike my initial reaction to his advances, i never felt any anger towards bert. we bid our goodbyes at the hotel lobby the next day with a promise that whatever happened inside the small room will remain a secret for us to keep. and that inspite of the fact that we crossed-over the threshold of friendship, we'll continue being good friends. come what may.

days passed and i never heard any word from him. exactly a month after that incident, on his birthday month, bert called me up to relay a seemingly important message. he said that he had been thinking about me all the time and couldn't forget what happened in cebu. that was the reason why he became silent all of a sudden; because he knew that i was straight then, had a girlfriend, and probably would not entertain the thought of reciprocating his feelings.

he told me that he consulted his priest friend about his predicament. the priest, although a follower of the faith, simply told him that loving is not a negative feeling and that whoever it is directed to, gender and identities aside, is one lucky person to receive it. but he was warned that there are certain consequences for society does not tolerate such. in the end, however, he was told to follow what his heart so desires.

needless to say, bert convinced me that we are worth a try. on his birthday, we officially became a couple and true, it was a long distance relationship.

but every so often, bert would visit his father and i myself would make up some lame excuse to be able to go to manila and meet him. we'd go on dates and enjoy the limited times we shared with each other. we'd paint a promising future together where all dreams would come true. we'd lie down under the stars wishing that what we have will not come to an end.

in the end, however, we're still both young and immature. we fight in the simplest of things and will not even bother to call each other for a week or so. it was the turning point of our relationship and from then on, the promise of forever started to fail us both.

the conclusion of our story happened in tagaytay one cold december afternoon. i was standing at the terrace of our hotel room overlooking taal contemplating whether i should go on with my decision. he was inside the room pretending to be busy with something else. i felt his sad gaze from afar and right then i knew that it would break our hearts if i go on with it.

but it must be done.

to be continued...

Friday, December 4, 2009


habang nagpapalipas ng oras kanina sa casa, naisipan kong buklatin ang isang broadsheet sa aking harapan. nagkataon naman na nasa ibabaw ang society pages kaya ito ang una kong kinuha. di ko ine-expect na pagbukas ko pa lang ay makikita ko ang isang larawang magpapaalala ng mga pangyayari tatlong taon na ang nakalipas.


bente-kwatro pa lang ako 'nun at trentay-dos naman siya. nagkakilala kami sa isang bar sa makati ng minsang sumama ako sa ilang kaibigan sa kanilang quiz night. gwapo, matangkad at maganda ang pangangatawan kaya naman madali ko siyang napansin. bukod pa diyan, member siya ng isang team na kasali sa quiz night. perfect, sabi ko sa sarili ko.

nagkataon naman na kilala siya ng isa sa aking mga kaibigan kay na-introduce kami sa isa't isa. nagtanguan kami at ayos na sa akin 'yun. sa hitsura pa lang niya, alam kong mahirap abutin ang kanyang level.

pero sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari, nakuha ko ang pansin niya. 'nung magkaroon ng audience participation ay ako ang itinuro ng aking mga kakilala. inihanda ko ang sarili sa tanong ng emcee.

who is the only british prime minister without a wife?

nagulat ako sapagkat hindi ko masyadong kabisado ang history ng britanya. gayunpaman, pinilit kong mag-isip. teka, mukhang trick question to, sabi ko sa sarili ko. 'yun ang isa sa pambato ko, medyo matalas ang analysis sa mga bagay-bagay.

margaret thatcher, kampante kong sagot.

napansin ko na lamang na nakatingin siya sa akin habang nakangiti. marahil naisip niyang hindi naman pala talaga ganoon kahirap ang tanong. tumango siya at nagtaas ng kanyang wine glass.

lumapit siya sa akin ng matapos ang contest. nakipagkwentuhan tungkol sa ilang mga bagay-bagay. marami kaming napag-usapan sa maikling panahon ng aming pag-uusap. nalaman ko na galing siya sa pamilyang ang linya ay nasa real estate at wala sa pilipinas ang kanyang mga magulang. sa makati siya nakatira pero tuwing weekend ay dumadalaw sa kanyang lola na nakatira sa wack-wack. at isa siyang triathlete kaya pala talagang maganda ang kanyang pangangatawan.

lampas hatinggabi na nang inaya niya kong sumama sa kanyang tirahan. type ko kaya naman hindi na ko tumanggi. subalit sa pagpayag ko palang 'yon, may mas malaking bagay pa akong matutuklasan tungkol sa kanyang pagkatao.

pumasok kami sa isang building na malapit sa ayala avenue. nagulat ako sapagkat alam kong hindi residential ang gusali na 'yon. sumaludo pa sa kanya ang dalawang gwardya 'nung dumaan kami.

pagpasok sa elevator, nakita kong pinindot niya ang "p". may penthouse ang building at doon kami pupunta.

maganda ang tanawin sa penthouse niya sapagkat napapalibutan ito ng salamin. mula sa taas ay kita mo ang maningning na ilaw sa mga gusali ng makati. habang nakatingin ako sa labas, naramdaman ko na lamang ang pagyakap niya mula sa aking likuran. tinamnan niya ng mga munting halik ang aking batok. unti-unti na rin akong nadadala sa kanya at naramdaman niya ang aking pangininig.

unti-unti ay hinila niya ko sa kanyang kwarto. sa aming pagpasok, doon sa malapad na dingding ay nakita kong nakasabit ang isang malaking painting. nakasulat ang kanyang pangalan at sa ilalim nito ay ang mga sumusunod: president and chief executive officer, ****** group of companies.

nalula ako sa aking nalaman. hindi lang pala siya basta miyembro ng pamilyang nakalinya sa real estate. siya ang nagpapalakad ng kanilang kumpanya at siya rin ang nagmamay-ari ng building na kung saan ay naroon ako ngayon. hindi ko alam kung paano magre-react.

nais ko sanang magsalita pa subalit huli na dahil unti-unti na niyang isinara ang pintuan.


thirty-five na siya ngayon. hindi pa rin nagbabago ang kanyang hitsura.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


what are the odds that you will meet somebody you know at boracay in an off-peak season?

true, it was a long weekend but still, the probability could have been so little. i mean, it's quite far away and only a few people would think of going there on november and just right after a big typhoon.

i therefore deduce that it was conspiracy from heaven. indeed, it was conspiracy that i have to meet an ex-boyfriend in boracay when i'm spending time with the girl i'm dating. and he's not just any -ex. he's lawyer-ex, of all people, who started hitting on me again right after our dinner a few months back.

and i even thought that one meeting would be enough to stir my vacation. but no! the odds are against me. for during our flight back to manila, the guy was sitting on my right with only the aisle separating us.


i told you, it's conspiracy.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

isang taon na pala

december na.

i did not even notice it. excited kasing masyado na magbakasyon kaya nawala na lang bigla sa isip ko.

when i was checking my posts earlier, i just realized that my blog has turned one year old already. funny. my "mainstream" blog was almost of the same age when i closed it. and to think that i used to be more serious with it.

i consider this one a milestone. maikli ang retention period ko kaya madali akong mainip at magsawa. and to be able to maintain this journal for a year is already an achievement for me. i just hope that with the past year, i was able to share the lessons i've learned with life, love, and anything in-between.

sabi nga ng blog ko, what happens next?

fact is, i still don't know. but that's the best thing about it, not knowing what lies ahead. it makes us look forward to the challenges of tomorrow, each day arming ourselves with experiences and lessons we pick up along our journey.

as for me, i decided to live each day at a time. tama na muna ang sobrang pagpa-plano. gone were the days when i will be laying down my options five years into the future. it's time for me to enjoy the fruits of that phase in my life.

buwisit, tumatanda na yata talaga ako!

and to all of you who endured my (senseless) rants, thanks a million. rest assured that john stan will continue to impart his wisdom and his chismis even on the most trivial of things.

for now, let's all celebrate the life that keeps on getting better and better.

of racing and running over

it was my trainer's fault. he kept on bugging me to join official runs in the last two months. i was telling him that i was nowhere near ready for such and in return, he made me do every running-related exercise in the book not to mention the gruelling dynamic stretches in-between. and so, every time a marathon schedule approaches, he'd insist that i try them and get a feel of how it is to be a runner.

well, i had my chance last november 22 at the botak paa-bilisan road race held at the fort. since it was my first time, i decided to run the 5k race. my trainer would have wanted me to try the longer 10k but i declined since i don't intend to disgrace myself yet just in case something, uhmmm, humiliating happen on the road.

the results were in already late last week but i just got back from my vay-cay and were only able to see it this morning. interestingly, i was so close to my estimated time and i clocked my best so far for 5k.

i find it funny that in the list, my name is succeeded with "27 m b male". parang introduction lang sa mirc.

on a different (and yet) totally related note, i ran over a lamp post last night on my way home. geez, i guess, running is really getting into me. ugh.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

monsters among us

as of press time, fifty-seven bodies were already recovered. some of them mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, colleagues, friends. and the whole nation grieves for their death.


Mangudadatu said the body of his murdered wife had been horrifyingly mutilated and that his dead sister and aunt had both been pregnant.

"We can't call him an animal because I have pets and they are tame. No, he is a monster. They are monsters," Mangudadatu told reporters, referring to Ampatuan Jr. and his gunmen.

"My wife's private parts were slashed four times, after which they fired a bullet into it," he added.

"They speared both of her eyes, shot both her breasts, cut off her feet, fired into her mouth. I could not begin to describe the manner by which they treated her."


the perpetrators do not deserve to live. for no reason is enough to take someone else's life. but this time, i say these people deserve to die.

for their mere acts prove that monsters do exist among us.


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

fast forward | new year's eve

for the sixth time in the last six years, john stan will be welcoming the new year alone, literally. usually, he'll just have an early dinner and afterwards go to bed. he'll try to sleep amidst the deafening noises of firecrackers outside. he'll put down his navy blue curtains and allow darkness to envelope his room. unmindful of the cheers and greetings from friends and family, he'll let sleep conquer his inner consciousness.

but he promised himself that this year would be different. true, he will still be celebrating alone but this time, he will indeed, celebrate. he has every reason to since john stan has already reached the zenith of his goals and aspirations that he has set for himself. for now, he will allow himself to bask into the feeling of contentment for he knows that such feelings are fleeting. the new year comes with fresh challenges and higher ambitions and in order for him to be truly ready for that, he must let himself take a break from it all and ponder about his actions and decisions.

so what are his plans for new year's eve?

he'll probably get off from work by five in the afternoon so he'll just drive directly to his pad in the metro. he's gonna have a quick shower and change into his gym clothes. before he goes out, he'll put this bottle of wine that he bought days before in the refrigerator to chill. he figures he's gonna be out for about two to three hours so he thinks that's just fine.

he will then go his gym just across his building and finish his routine for the day. on his way home, he'll pass by this nice restaurant and order take-out. yes, he knows it sucks, but that's the best thing he could come up with at the last minute. you see, cooking hates him. or was it the other way around?

it will then be around ten by the time he gets home. he'll pace around his pad wondering what to do and contemplating whether to push through with his plans or just decide to call it a night. he'll open the television and check the stations to see which areas in the metro will be holding countdown parties and fireworks displays. in the end, he will decide to continue with his plans since everything is already set.

with his thick blanket and small pillow, his bottle of wine, his food and his laptop, he'll go upstairs to the open pool area at the thirty first floor. he'll pull one of those lounging chairs to the side facing the southern skyline. he'll find the best view, of course, because by midnight, this horizon will light up with an intricate display of flashing radiance from the fireworks.

he'll play some soft music from his laptop, just enough to relax his mind from the pressures of the day. he'd probably start nibbling on his food now and would have finished his first glass of wine. but by this time, his thoughts would have been wandering as well and with midnight approaching slowly, he'd start to get sleepy.

the surroundings are now getting colder so he'll pull his thick blanket over him. he'll feel the heaviness in his eyes and starts to close them. with music still in the background, he'll slowly drift towards dreamland.

soon he'll wake up moments later only to realize that twelve o'clock passed without him noticing.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

ow, may rainbow

even mother nature is against me.

or at least with what i'm doing siguro.

i was on my home walking when tiny droplets of water starts to fall down from the sky. but i guess the weather has not yet made up its mind whether to unleash its fury or just stay as it is and the ambon eventually stopped. however, as it did, an apparition appeared right in front of me.

yes, a freakin' rainbow. as i stared intently, i started to hear a voice inside my head. it was dimples'. creepy.

bakla ka!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

gago rin si john stan

pasintabi sa mga bata, medyo mahalay ang entry na 'to. medyo lang naman.

matagal-tagal na rin pala ang huling post ko. pasensya na at nasa kalagitnaan lang ako ng isang eksperimento. at alam nyo naman, kapag nag-experiment ka, dapat, buong atensyon mo nakatutok dun.

ilang buwan na ang nakakaraan, inumpisahan ko ang project wellness ni john stan. simple lang naman ang goal ko: to lose weight and build muscle. kaso mahirap pala kapag sineryoso mo; bawas sa kain, bawas sa alak, bawas sa gimmicks at dagdag-oras sa gym.

and it seems the hard work is paying off. i am now five pounds short of my initial goal for the first six months. e limang buwan pa lang naman. o di ba, bongga? (sorry, sinaniban lang!)

pero hindi naman tungkol sa aking exercise regimen ang entry na ito.

find-a-trophy-boyfriend experiment. 'yan ang tawag ko sa ilang series ng trials (and errors) na ginawa ko ng isang linggo. teka, gusto ko lang linawin. hindi ko naman sila talaga balak syota-in. kaya nga "find" lang. pero ano ba ang trophy boyfriend? in the wise words of one blogger that i look up to, pang-display. 'yun lang.

lunes ng gabi ng makilala ko si cainta hunk; maputi, matangkad at higit sa lahat, bottom. ayos na sana, 'wag lang magsasalita. mahahalata mo kasi na hindi siya straight sa boses pa lang. gayunpaman, pasado na rin. performer kasi. kaso binigyan pa ko ng alalahanin ni cainta hunk. kinabukasan, nag-text siya sa akin, sabi, "miss na kita".

martes naman kami nagkita ni las piñas cutie. in fairness, cute naman talaga. kaso nagsinungaling ang bata. disinueve pa lang pala sa tunay na buhay. bigla tuloy ako napa-tweet ng "willing to swap". walang kumagat kaya ako din ang sumalo. nakakahiya naman, nanggaling pa ng las piñas.

wednesday ako napadpad ng santolan sa pasig. ilang araw na rin kaming magkausap ni ofw daddy from dubai. bakasyon daw siya ng isang buwan sa trabaho at wala raw masyadong magawa kaya naghahanap ng happenings. kaso mo, mahirap hanapan ng oras kasi available lang si daddy kapag tulog na ang misis niya. at dahil pamilyadong tao, maraming restrictions. kaya lahat ng dapat maganap ay naganap lang sa garahe nila. bawal pa tuloy mag-ingay.

dapat magpapahinga lang ako ng thursday kaso pagkatapos kong mag-gym e naisipan kong dumaan sa metrowalk para kumain. nasa starbucks ako nun at kasalukuyang nakikipagkulitan sa isang blogger nang um-enter si 6'2" hottie. towering ang loko kaya hindi pwedeng hindi mapansin. pero dahil nag-iisa lang siya, hindi mahirap diskartehan. kaya sorry ternie kung iniwan kita that time.

kahapon, byernes, nagkita ulet kami ni cubao boytoy. nakipag-break na pala siya sa girlfriend niya at kasalukuyang sumusubok na mag-explore. hala, sana hindi ko kasalanan 'yun.

so far, among the five of them, kay cubao boytoy pa din ang vote ko. but for the mean time, the experiment will be taking a break indefinitely. masyado akong napagod kaya kelangan munang magpahinga.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

chinitos, beware! (says mcvie)

stalker-mode ako kahapon.

paano ba naman e talagang makalaglag boxers sa lakas ng appeal sa akin 'nung nakita ko. napapasok tuloy ako sa astrovision (oi, plugging na 'yan, ha!) para lang masundan ko si pogi. kesehodang kasama pa niya ang nanay niya, wala pa rin akong pakialam. bakit ba? sabi nga, lakasan lang ng loob.

ang nakapagtataka, chinito si pogi. ang alam ko, wala akong kahilig-hilig sa mga chinito. oops, bago mag-react, may kanya-kanya po tayo ng tipo. nagkataon lang na hindi sila pasok sa listahan ko. pero 'nung nakita ko si pogi, hala, biglang nagliwanag ang mundo, humuni ang mga ibon, at napasayaw ako habang kumakanta ng "the hills are alive with the sound of music".

at kung gano katagal ang mag-nanay sa loob ng tindahan, ganun din ako. for souvenir's sake, pinilit kong kunan ng litrato. partida pa 'yan, madami kasing tao. mahirap na at baka mahalata.

shet, kinikilig talaga. nakakatawa. parang high school.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

coming out... sort of | part two

coming out... sort of | part one

simply put, i kissed a girl and i liked it. however, i kissed a boy too, and i liked it even better.

of course, i never knew about that.

at least, not until i met bert.


yes, that's his real name.

but there are tons of berts in this world that it is unlikely anyone of you knows him so what's the point of hiding. well, ask me his family name and i'll just keep my mouth shut.

so where was i?

ah yes, i was a virgin before bert; with guys, that is. i first met him in manila when i attended a student conference. he is the head of this organization in a famous university from the south. but they do have a house in fort bonifacio where his father is assigned. oh, by the way, he is the son of a general.

have you ever had this experience of liking one person even on the first time of meeting them? i guess that's what happened to us. we barely knew each other and yet we instantly hit it off. we'd attend sessions together and even take our meal breaks at the same time. other times, we'd sneak out from the lecture hall and just go out and stroll around. that's what we did for five days.

of course, we continued to be in contact with each other even after that event. we'd update each other about what's going on with our lives. he'd tell me of his scheduled trips to manila hoping that i would be able to meet with him. but i never did. i never had the time.

but then came december and i was invited to attend another convention in cebu. i sent him a message asking if he's coming as well. he replied that he is so we decided to arrive together so that we will be billeted in the same room. problem is, we came late and we were assigned a suite with a double-sized bed. awkward indeed, but we considered each other close friends so i guess it's fine to us both. plus, we really never had any other choice.

now, let me make it clear. i don't have any problems with guys sleeping together in one bed as long as we do just that, sleep. it concerns me, however, when the guy you're sleeping with had his hard-on poking your behind. it happened on our fourth night. i told him about it and bert said that he was just teasing to which i said was not a good joke.

we barely spoke on our last day. i was silent the whole time but i can sense that he wants to apologize. he managed to do so over lunch. i told him that i don't want us to part ways in bad terms.

we were both flying back morning of the next day so we went to bed early that night. i was about to doze off to dreamland when i felt his hands caressing my arms. as if this is not enough, i felt him move closer to me. and then, that familiar hard-on again.

without saying a word, i got up from the bed, ready to walk away. but as i did, he got up quickly as well and hug me tightly, my back against him.

i heard his uneasy breathing near my ears. and then a whisper.

"i've been wanting to do this for the longest time."

to be continued...

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


"you don't need someone to have sex with. what you need is someone to talk to."


it was almost one in the morning when we decided to meet. i was not really up for any hook-ups last night that's why i declined two invitations earlier in the evening. but i figured that since i will be passing by your place on my way home, i'd just drop by to see if you were indeed the image that you are trying to project.

we had a funny set up. we never exchanged photos, not even phone numbers. the rule is simple. we'd both be on the agreed place at the agreed time and will only be waiting for five minutes should any one of us is late. it's fear i guess. we live in bordering communities and there is a big chance that we might know each other.


fifteen minutes after meeting up, we found ourselves inside a small room. but i sense hesitation on your part. i couldn't help but wonder since just a few minutes before, you were so persistent to take me to bed. well, you never really had a hard time convincing me. you're hot. you have all the things i'm looking for in a random fuck. and i obliged.

still, i can sense that something is troubling you. so i asked. it was then that you told me the whole story.


you have a model for a partner and your relationship is on the rocks. after five years together, you want to get out. but you don't know how to break the news to him for you yourself do not really understand the reason behind your ill-feelings. that's why you're doing this. you wanted to fool around and you wanted him to know that you are fooling around so that when he finds out, he has a reason to leave you. yes, that would be too convenient on your part.

however, with your story, i've felt a certain sadness from you. it seems that you are still not sold to the idea of letting him go. with that, whatever fire within me has been extinguished. it's just not right to take advantage of your situation.

"you don't need someone to have sex with. what you need is someone to talk to."

and thus, we talked more about you. we talked about how you started. we talked about your good times together. as each story unfolds, i see your doubts slowly fading away. i see hope in your eyes once more.


it was almost four in the morning. as we bid each other goodbye, i can only hope that what we did inside that small room will make a big impact on your decisions. after all, you owe it to me. i gave up on a good fuck in exchange for a warm hug.

Monday, November 9, 2009

coming out... sort of | part one

to those of you who are fans of the fabcasters, yes, i am johnny.

and to those of you who are my facebook friends, yes again, that's her.

come to think of it, dating girls is not really new to me. i have had three girlfriends before i decided to jump over the fence. and no, i am not your regular college jock back then but i had my fair share of wild abandon with girls whose names i barely remember.

i never had any so-called dramatic tragic past that made me what i am right now. i am the eldest of two siblings, the younger one, a girl. but i grew up with straight cousins. we would play straight boys' games, pick on nerdy kids and fight until our noses bleed.

growing up, i found myself enlisting in rotc, joining a fraternity, making a name in quiz bowl competitions (read: including battle of the brains; so 90's) and building a career in student politics while at the same time maintaining my status as an ace student. funny, i never really understand it then but it seems i am already attracting people unintentionally.

secret crushes, love notes, indirect date invitations... tsk, tsk, tsk.

then came senior year and i was at the top of my game. i was with my girlfriend of one year, fresh from my victory in a national quiz competition, student council head and gearing up to ensure graduation with latin honors when things started moving towards another direction.

simply put, i kissed a girl and i liked it. however, i kissed a boy too, and i liked it even better.

of course, i never knew about that.

at least, not until i met bert.

to be continued...

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

barrio life

dahil nauna na si mike sa kanyang buhay-probinsya post, i will just let the photos do much of the talking.

after five years, i was able to come back to this place. and just like before, even without the indulgence of modern technology, i enjoyed every moment of my stay. though life is relatively simple here, you can never say that people are not happy. in fact, some of them were saying that there's no other place they would want to be other than their bukid.

indeed, in the end, it is how we live our lives that defines our happiness.


i have one photo of myself topless in tattered jeans, wearing salakot, riding a kabaw (carabao in local dialect) and looking every bit a local. for souvenir's sake, i say.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

usapang "for adults only"

had i not bump again with him at the locker room tonight, i would not have written this entry.

you see, there's this yummy hunk from the gym who caught my fancy a few months back - cute chinito, broad shoulders, six-pack abs, to-die-for arms. in fact, he looks like one of those dieux du stade boys (except that they're french); really hot especially with his huge tattoo in his right shoulder going to his back.

apparently, he knew my trainer and thus, we exchange nods from time to time. we haven't engaged in any conversation though, not even about our respective gym routines.

anyway, after finishing my sets last sunday, i decided to get a massage somewhere in quezon city. dead tired from my circuit training, i resolved not to do any hanky-panky at the spa. it's all in the mind, i tell you. pwede yun. kahit anong haplos, hindi ka titigasan.

i was waiting at the lounge when i saw yummy hunk. at first, i thought he was a client as well but then i noticed he's wearing the spa's uniform. hmmm, i cannot help but grin.

"siya kaya ang masseur ko?", i asked myself.

i smiled at him as he approach me. he smiled back. i knew it, we recognized each other.

"ngayon lang kita nakita dito, ah.", he said.

"first time ko dito."

a lie. but he'll never know that.

we proceeded to the vip room where i had my swedish massage. as expected, he touched me in sensitive places. but i had a strong resolve. hindi ngayon.

"e-extra ka?", he whispered after.

"meron ba dito? 'di ba class a spa kayo?", i asked, feigning innocence.

"pwede naman. wala lang makakaalam.", he replied.

yummy hunk, my long-time gym crush. hmmm... but i promised myself i won't play tonight. yes i won't play. but who says i can't have a little fun?

"malaki ba 'yan?", i asked.

"hawakan mo."

so i did. hmmm... dakila.

"may i see?", i asked again, pushing my luck.

he pulled down his pants and underwear, finally revealing all.

"teka, bakit galit na yan?"

"sabik na e. mukhang type ka."

tinamaan yata ang loko. amputa, kawalang gana!

"thanks. pero next time na lang. pagod ako e, katatapos ko lang mag-circuit."

"sige na, mabilis lang naman 'to. ako na bahala."

"next time na lang, promise, babalik ako. request kita."

"sigurado yan, ha?"

"oo. nakikita mo naman ako sa gym e. teka, ano nga pala pangalan mo?"


butch na butch. kakaloka!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

first time

ganun pala yun. nakakakaba. nakakahiya. nakaka-excite. at kung anu-ano pang halu-halong emosyon.

maginaw. mainit. mas mainit pa. huhupa. maliligo. magbibihis.

"una ka na."

pagkatapos ng kalahating oras. ako naman.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

naisip ko lang

minsan nangarap akong maging masaya

pero ang pangarap palang ito ay isang malaking kalokohan

dahil hindi ko pala alam kung ano ang tunay na makapagpapasaya sa akin...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

the one who got away

don’t blame yourself. it’s not your fault. you made it clear since then. it’s me who doesn’t want to accept. this is why i am saying goodbye. sa pagkakataong ito, ako naman ang magpapaalam. i’d have to do this, if only to heal the pain that i’m feeling in my heart. i know there will come a time that i would be able to accept the fact that we’re not meant to be together. i am someone who doesn’t believe in destiny because we create our own paths. but in this particular instance, maybe it’s true that we’re not meant for each other…

- an excerpt from a friendster message dated november 2007

naalala kong balikan ang sulat na 'to matapos kong basahin ang iyong mensahe. siguro kahit kaunti ay aaminin kong ginulo mong muli ang isip ko. kung bakit matapos ang halos dalawang taon ay nais mong muling ibalik ang dati, hindi ko na gustong pag-usapan pa ang dahilan. malamang kung hindi ka naghintay ng ganun katagal, baka pwede pa. pero sa paglipas ng panahon, marami nang nangyari at marami na ring nagbago.

huli na dahil ang dating john stan na kilala mo ay wala na...

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

zooming a year after

my baby and i has just turned one.

it was the same day last year when i picked you up at sm marikina. you were supposed to be delivered at my place but i decided to just meet up with my agent so i could take you for a ride.

i still remember when i stepped into the parking lot. i can already see you from afar, your shiny red frame gleaming from the reflection of the night lights. excitement overwhelmed me, like a virgin moments before his first fuck. that night, we had our first journey together - a twenty kilometer-ride ending in one explosive orgasm.

one year after, we celebrate our ups and downs together. every inch of you tells a story, of successes and failures, of victories and defeats. you became a witness to my transformation, a close friend in time of deep solitude. you became a test of my patience, too. remember when i changed a tire while parked precariously in a zigzag road on the way to the south? damn you! (lambing lang.)

pero in fairness, ang tibay mo. hindi ka man lang nagasgasan 'nung sinubukan nating testingin kung matibay 'yung fortuner. galing!

but kidding aside, i know i made the right decision when i chose you. and for that, i promise to keep you within the family, for as long as you can. don't worry, after two years, i'll get you all pimped up - new spoilers, wrap-around skirting, fancy lights, all that stuff. but you'll stay red.

in the future, i know a few will still come but don't fret. because nothing can change this one fact,

you'll always be my zoom-zoom.


after one year, zoom is still "clean", if you know what i mean.

Monday, October 5, 2009

pokpok phone series | rebirth (pök.pök.föwn), noun. a special device used for speedy booking, sometimes dubbed by many as "the greatest invention" of the last century.

i have a business phone. i use it for business. i have a pokpok phone. i use it for pleasure.

my pokpok phone made its first appearance in a previous post. but since we are dealing with a major setback then, that supposed encounter did not materialize. however, i just want to make it clear that this phone is not being used very often; only for emergencies where the body is willing but no available target in sight.

the phone first served its purpose about three weeks ago when i negotiated an encounter with this guy living somewhere in pasig. good thing the messages are still here, all thanks to its large internal memory.

pokpok phone: san ka?

pasigboy: pasig. malapit sa lrt station. ikaw?

pokpok phone: i'm in libis right now. want me to come over?

pasigboy: sure. trip tayo sa roof-top.

pokpok phone: haven't tried that before. game! be there in fifteen minutes.

about an hour after the deed was done,

pasigboy: hope you got home safe.

pokpok phone: hu u?

i say cruel. just plain cruel.

Friday, October 2, 2009


and it all came back in an instant.

with just one sentence, you were able to awaken a part of me from deep slumber. i thought i lost him already, his memories, little by little, fading away.

but i was wrong.

because within me, he's still very much alive, moving within the dark corners of myself, waiting for the time to reclaim what is rightfully his.

and it has to be now.

i can vividly remember that night.

i was watching the city from my usual spot when i received a message from you. normally, i'd pay no attention to it but the thought of you setting aside a portion of your time with friends compelled me to reply. what follows after is an exchange of messages worthy of shakespeare's little black book. long ago, the messages had been deleted but the words continued to echo as if etched on eastern air.

and then you dropped the invitation.

you wanted to meet up, perhaps to give a face to that one person you shared much of your time with through texting and instant messaging. i was hesitant at first. maybe because i see you as a complex being. you are very good at this game, a game that i intended not to play. but i liked you. in fact, for quite a time. you turned the tables on me. and i, i said yes.

thirty minutes later, you found yourself sliding in the front seat of my car. a few minutes more and we were on top of my terrain, looking down towards a full view of the city lights. it was a first for me. never before did i share this space with someone else. but you were special. like the bright lights, i hoped to find a connection. i thought i saw a flicker but now i can never be sure.

within an hour, we were able to open up a part of our lives to each other. you were definitely more than what you write, that i am sure of. and with that you gained my respect and admiration.

but fate had other plans. we ended up as friends...

you know the end of our story, no regrets whatsoever for this is far better than the ending i envisioned.

tonight, barely nine months after that night, i look back at my triumphs and failures. i look back at the crossroads i encountered. i look back at the choices i made. but more importantly, with the wealth of understanding i was able to gather in my voyage, i look forward to a more hopeful future, however slightly it may be.

i stand under the night skies, bathing with the same lights with one thing i'm sure of,

my journey towards self-rediscovery ends here... tonight.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

baklang post

pagod na ko.

i've been doing 16-hour duty everyday since sunday, all for trying to rehabilitate a flooded system. kasama na dito 'yung pagpapala ng putik sa loob ng mga control rooms.

lahat ito kelangang gawin para sa trabaho, otherwise, baka sa isang buwan e umuwi na lang ako sa amin at magsaka. paano ko na lang susuportahan ang mga boylets ko niyan? (choz!)

anyway, as of today, one week na 'kong hindi lumalabas ng planta. nakalimutan ko na kung ano ang hitsura ng maynila. nakalimutan ko na rin ang hitsura ng mga boys diyan kasi naman araw-araw e puro sweaty "ers" ang kasama ko dito. keri na din. kahit paano e meron namang nakakatawag ng aking pansin. pandesal kung pandesal ang labanan, mga sis.

pero naloka ever ako 'nung isang gabi. nagkukutingting ng panel ang beauty ko ng biglang tumunog ang nyelpown. syempre, mega-excited kasi naman wala akong masyadong balita sa outside world.

kaya lang, kagulat-gulat ang message. hindi ko inaasahan. ano naman ang akala niya sa akin?

ako na may busilak at malinis na kalooban...

ako na hindi alam ang kahulugan ng salitang malisya...

ako na certified virgin...

at pagkatapos 'kong mahimasmasan, sinagot ng aking utak ang sarili kong tanong.

"carinderia. isa kang carinderiang bukas sa lahat ng gustong pumasok... anytime."


i told you, the storm had a different effect on me. damn you, ondoy.

Monday, September 28, 2009

butch is my middle name

to paraphrase my friend, jamie

what can i say. i'm so butch. i'm as butch as butch can go. i'm so butch i even scare myself...

see, ondoy has that effect on me. i'm blabbering nonsense.

today we start again, not from scratch, but from the muddy puddle we are in.

interestingly, the after-effects are bringing out the "er" in me.

i feel so manly all of a sudden.

i'm so butch

i'm even wearing boots.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

sign of the times

we're almost there

so they say

towards becoming a first-world country

where progress is defined by internal strength;

a strong republic

so many has claimed

and yet

all it takes is one storm

by the name of ondoy

to remind us that we are not...

because we are just but a dot in the greater scheme of things.

Friday, September 25, 2009

i have a crush

i have a crush
and he is a blogger
but he has not been posting for quite some time now
"i'm busy.", he says.

i have a crush
and he is a blogger
he does not usually meet up with others
"i'm shy.", he says.

i have a crush
and he is a blogger
we've met a few days back
"i hope you had fun.", he says.

i have a crush
and he is a blogger
but that's all there is to it
no more, no less.

Monday, September 14, 2009

linden lobby

i was signing the guest book when i saw his familiar face. it was unexpected really, because he's supposed to be miles away. awkward too, for i am with a friend and so is he. but then a question kicked in, are we going to the same party?

we met two weeks back somewhere east. he invited me to come over for some fun with his other friend. and i did for the body was willing. i learned after that both of them are married and working in the metro, with families living in their respective provinces.

i never felt any guilt. after all, even if it's not me, they will still do the deed with somebody else. and this was a one-time deal. we'll never see each other again.

or so i thought.

because right then, we are standing in the same lobby facing each other.

"saan ka?", i asked.

"tenth floor.", was his reply.

i heaved a sigh of relief.


i received a message from him hours later asking me if i was interested to meet up since his place was available. i declined his offer.

the probability of bumping into someone you've had random sex with is big but i never expected that it will happen to me. i have long resigned to the idea that there would be no looking back once i stepped out of someone else's bedroom.

now more than ever, i should be very careful and try to make sure that those i bed with does not belong to my own circle (or my circle's other circle, now why the sudden interest in circles?).

it freaks me out to know that the next one might be your friend.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

roadside rendezvous

i was driving along libis very much aware of the man sitting beside me. the situation was all too familiar, reminiscent of events that took place more than a year before. however, i cannot remember us being silent, both careful not to let words come out which could lead to something we might regret in the end.

dinner was great. the mood was lighter than what i have expected considering that we haven't seen each other for the last eighteen months. true, there was a moment of hesitation for i did question myself if i was ready to face him but it would be too late to back out. it should be now, or never.

we talked and it was no easy conversation. in searching for our answers, we have to once again go back to that part of our history where the sky is not always blue, where the world is not always happy. but life has been good to us and so we were able to accept that our time together has already passed and both has to move on towards living fulfilling lives with others.

and his response to my question is more than enough to assure me that everything will be all right.

we were on our way to the east when my thoughts were interrupted. i felt his fingers caressing my right ear, fostering a new kind of tension in the air.

"what are you doing?", i asked, trying to make sure the tone of my voice do not invite him to go further.

"i missed you. i missed this.", he said, his hands slowly moving to its target.


"ayaw mo?"

"sinabi ko ba?"

"pull over."

"yes, attorney."


after all this time, he still knows me. he still knows how to light my fire.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

breakfast in bed

i opened my eyes nearly forgetting where i am. as i gaze sleepily to the one lying beside me, a surge of memories started to fill my inner being; memories of what has transpired the night before.

sensing that i'm awake, i felt him move beneath my arms. slowly, he turned to his side and faced me, his lips curving into a smile. i held out my hand, my fingers tracing his strong jawline.

a beautiful boy, indeed. i thought to myself. many will cry over you.

and just then, my hand started moving elsewhere.


the guy is slowly becoming a constant companion, a provider of sorts. however, it was cleared already from the start, no emotional investments whatsoever, lest he wants his girl to find out.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

before starting over

more than a year has passed yet i am still haunted by your memories. i won't deny it anymore. i have moved on but not completely. i guess not until i find out the reason why we went our separate ways.

it seems that, after all, a proper closure is of utmost importance. true, we said our final goodbyes already. but the fact remains that back then, we decided to do it because it's the easiest thing to do. we never had the courage to deal with the bigger issues. we both ran away.

after you, i tried building new relationships. but in doing so, i failed. for i am always reminded of our good times together. funny, now that i'm thinking about it, we never had any major fights, only simple disagreements.

perhaps, what we had unconsciously became my standards. for as much as we intend not to, most of the time, we do compare the bonds we share with our partners, both old and new. sad, indeed, because it is very hard to compete with memories.

now that i'm starting over again, i feel that it is but right and proper to go back to you and for the last time, ask you to take a journey with me, to where it all started and ended between us. for right there may be the answer to our questions, for both our peace of mind.

i remember we did try to talk about it the last time i went to you but fear got the best of us. maybe then, we were not yet ready. i hope that now, after one year, we are facing each other wiser and more mature than before.

like what you always say back then, we'll never get away from each other that easily. i believe you now.

see you on saturday.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

fun stuff

this one's cool. i am not really a fan of horoscopes but this is the first time i have encountered such negative stuff about me being born under the sign of taurus.

i love it.


I am a Taurus.
(Also known as "Bull")
My Horoscope starts like this:
" Petty, annoying and a whiny pain in the neck, a Taurus loves to brown-nose and is often a snitch to boot. In life and work, always blows with the wind, and runs to answer to his supperiors' smallest whim. " (Read more | Find yours)


well, another busy day ahead. gotta' run...

Monday, August 10, 2009

wait a minute

in a meeting a month before our project started,

me: sir, can we schedule the shutdown of the main equipment during the integration process?

the boss: why? what are the risks?

me: the main equipment might stop unexpectedly while integrating the new system since we are doing everything simultaneously. theoretically, it should not stop, however, since we've never done it before, let us try to manage this risk by shutting it down for an hour. that way, all our activities will be focused on the integration only. the whole process will just take an hour and we can resume immediately after.

the boss: i think we should not schedule a shutdown of our main equipment. if it stops, then let us just resume again right after you're done.

me: noted, sir.

a while ago, we proceeded with the integration process and just as i thought, the main equipment suddenly stopped.

the boss: what happened?

me: sir, we were integrating when it stopped.

the boss: how come you never told us that there is a risk of stopping?

me: ah... eh...


i was holding an adjustable wrench when this conversation occurred. good thing i was able to restrain myself from banging it in my boss' head.

the one million-peso dinner

an excerpt from today's inquirer headline Palace: Just simple dinner says,

“What we had in New York was a simple, late night dinner because it was already late at night when we arrived there from Washington DC and, of course, we were all hungry,” Remonde said.

He said the Malacañang group occupied only two tables and ordered a “set” meal consisting of soup, salad, a main course, drinks and coffee or tea.

“There was no truth to the report that many different types of champagne and fancy food items were ordered,” he said.

another article entitled Solon says P1M is just right for NY dinner carries these words,

Quezon Representative Danilo Suarez said that he could have volunteered to foot the bill for the Le Cirque dinner celebrating the wedding anniversary of the First Couple had Leyte Representative Martin Romualdez not beat him to it.

“I don’t know why they are making such a big deal, it’s New York where everything is more expensive than Manila. We were more than 50 in our group, the President’s security and the secret service joined us,’’ said Suarez in a phone interview.

what long tables must have those been that they were able to serve a group of "more than 50", well, perhaps as big as those at hogwarts school.

punyeta! anong akala nyo sa amin, tanga?

where's your sense of decency?

that is, if you know the meaning of the word in the first place.


Friday, August 7, 2009

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

bloody monday

this is not for the faint of heart.

yesterday, i joined our company's blood donation activity. when asked how many times i've done this in the past, it was only then that i was able to realize that i've been donating my blood for the last ten years.

it all started during my rotc days. i was one of those frequent absentees during weekend trainings and in order to pass the course, we were given several options and one of them was participating in blood-letting activities with red cross. i am not really afraid of needles so i see no problem with doing this. back then, the only driving force to do it is to complete my requirements.

however, as years passed, i was able to learn the importance of donating my blood. first, the blood i give will be of great help to others in need especially in times of extreme emergencies. secondly, my body will function in such a way to replenish the blood i lost and in turn produce new and fresh blood in my system. hey, any doctors out there who can help me explain this better?

i do have one caution though. i always make sure that i donate only to red cross. if a certain hospital will host the activity and invite participants, i just politely decline. why? because red cross does it for free while hospitals, especially private ones, sell the blood to their patients.

anyway, one funny thing that happened yesterday was when this colleague of mine was dared by our friends to donate his blood. he kept saying that he did it before but you can clearly see the fear in his actions. when he completed the forms, we found out that he's doing it for the first time.

much to our surprise (and probably delight at the same time), he looks as if he's going to faint when his name was called. i was already done by this time and lying beside the only vacant bed. he was asked to lie down as well and the minute the needle was about to be inserted, he held my arms, looked at me, then shut his eyes.

that was not expected and yes, his palm is cold as ice.


even a macho man has his fears. even so, he still looks pathetic.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

not just a woman in yellow

i woke up yesterday greeted by the news of cory's death. this may come as no surprise to everybody knowing that her condition worsens as days pass but situations like this are really unexpected.

for us who were born during the dark times, we remember the role of this icon in bringing back democracy to our country. but beyond that, we tend to forget that she is also a wife who lost a husband and a mother to children who lost their father. tragic as it was, she was able to rise up and be one of the best leaders this country has ever had.

those were good times. the philippines became a center of global attention. we were admired not only by our neighbors but also by the world's superpowers. our actions inspired others to take the same direction. i must admit, remembering this makes me truly proud to be a filipino.

and behind this piece of yesterday stands a woman of great courage. let us all celebrate her life and thank her for she left a wondeful gift to this country, perhaps, the best gift in recent history.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

exit in style

one of my friends tied the knot last saturday and considering my stand against formal clothing, i would not have attended the event but she gave me a part in the ceremonies. that left me no choice but to take out my barong from the dusty closet to see the sun again.

there were only a few people inside the church but i guess it really does not matter at that time. what is important is that the couple's family and closest friends were there to witness them exchanging vows. come to think of it, the wedding in itself is already unconventional in so many ways. there were surprises all over and i think this is what made it more special.

but the ultimate surprise came from the groom. and it left the crowd cheering big time. even the spectators outside the church. everyone was clapping and shouting in unison as the newlyweds start to ascend the thing that will take them to the reception area.

yup, the thing.

the couple as they walk towards...

... the thing.

a fun day it was, indeed.


and i thought this stuff only happens in the movies...

Sunday, July 19, 2009


what do you do the first time you see snow?

you take a picture, of course.

o di ba, parang tanga lang?


with nothing to do, i found myself browsing through old photos. indeed, time passes by so fast.

Monday, July 13, 2009

chronicles | chocolates

he is one year older than me but i insisted to call him daddy for good reasons, well, his wife and three kids. we've been in contact for quite some time already, doing such stuff which you don't normally do over yahoo messenger. he works in a bank in saudi. his wife works in italy. his kids, i think, live with their grannies.

apparently, he's going home for the holidays and he wants to meet up. now who am i to say no, right?

the funny thing is that he will be arriving one day before his wife. it seems that both of them will be home after all. i can already picture a nice little family, with kids smiling ear to ear, happy to see mom and dad. if they only knew.

i offered to fetch him at the airport but he declined. he said that all accommodations have been pre-arranged prior to leaving the middle east. he just wants me to go straight to his hotel. as i was coming from work, i told him that i'll pick him up instead to dine out and then we'll go back to his hotel after.

the first meeting wasn't that awkward. he is still as hunky as the first night i saw him on cam. and that tight butt is sending chills down my groin.

we had a quick bite somewhere in makati while sharing stories of escapades and pursuits (not necessarily of "that" kind). i asked him if he wants to go some place else but he told me that he just wants to go back to his room and rest. this he said with a naughty grin.

upon entering his hotel room, i already knew what will happen next. he grabbed this thing between my legs as he whispered, "i've been wanting to hold this for the longest time!".

"i'm yours tonight.", my husky voice filling the silence inside the room.

we woke up early the next morning; i, to go home and he, to fetch his wife.

"by the way, i have something for you.", he said, taking something from his bag.




i tried writing a homoerotic entry but it seems i am not brave enough to do that kind of storytelling. i guess there really are things which are best kept private.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

parallel life | brod

natatandaan ko pa nung first year college ako. madaming bawal para sa mga freshmen. syempre nga naman, you’re still proving yourself to a lot of people. college is like an entrance to the world of adulthood. dito ka dapat maraming matutunan kaya mahihigpit ang mga rules lalo na sa mga nagsisimula pa lang. at bawal pumasok ng fraternity.

pero dahil bata pa lang e matigas na ang ulo ko, ginawa ko ito ng patago.

1999 sa taas ng bundok ng rizal nung napatunayan kong meron pala kong masochistic behavior. first batch kami nung taon na yon. at sa kabila ng mga laway, sipon, pawis at dugo, i never regretted making this one big decision. medyo matagal ko nga din itong pinag-isipan, mga three hours.

modesty aside, the fraternity has a very good reputation in the university. majority of the members are student leaders and heads of organizations in the different colleges. alumni members occupy top positions in different industries. 'yung isa nga, member ng board of electrical engineering. textmate kame.

pero mahirap pa ding baguhin ang perception ng mga tao pagdating sa mga fraternities. madami kasing fraternity-related violence at lagi itong highlighted. kahit nung ipinasa na ang anti-hazing law, hindi masasabing nabawasan ang ganitong insidente. karamihan kasi nag-underground.

ours is not much different from the others, so to speak. but i can say that mine has helped me a lot during my college days. the principles that i was able to imbibe has guided me every step of the way, up until now that i am already a working professional.

the brotherhood put their trust in me and i'm glad i never let them down. we were able to preserve our tradition. on my last year, i became the chair of the student council, the fourth one from our roster.

yesterday, our chapter celebrated our 15th anniversary; another year to look forward to and ponder how far we have gone and what more lies ahead. we now walk different paths but all are one in saying long live the great gamma sigma pi.


our flame, it is beautiful because it is truth prevailing
and because it is truth we will know no darkness.
our flame, it is eternal for as long as each one of us remains a spark,
it lives.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

your day

on this special day, i wish you happiness and love,

patience, too, for i can be quite trying at times

remember the good times, learn from the others

and continue to be the good person that you are.

happy birthday!

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

what if

what if i say that it is all part of a social experiment?

that it is all an act?

that i am inarguably, undeniably, one hundred percent straight?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

of pandemic flu and janet jackson

what's wrong with this picture?

nothing really except that this is the last slide of a powerpoint presentation about pandemic influenza. we were told by the lecturer (who is a nice old lady doctor) that this is the generic presentation given by the department of health to increase awareness about the disease.

that photo of ms. piggy doing a janet jackson boob slip is really quite disturbing.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

on our fourth

its been four months already since we decided to take the journey together. more than a thousand miles later, here we are charting our course with love our compass and forever our destination.

the roads ahead are uncertain but rest assured that i will always keep the one and only promise i made and you asked,

my honesty.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

venting out

it was my mom's birthday last saturday so i decided to go home for the weekend. it may not be a big deal to some but i make it a point to go home to the province to spend special ocassions with the family. even if it would be just for a short time, i try to make the most of such vacations by catching up on my dad's fantastic cooking and our very inviting sofa bed which already has my name on it.

however, the quiet sojourn i was hoping to enjoy was cut short when i found out that this pathetic cousin of mine run away from home and chose to stay with us. don't get me wrong. he is part of the family and we do extend our hand to each other in times of need. the thing is, we, his cousins, have already lost our patience to his seemingly never-ending habit of bringing trouble into the house. i assure you, we have every reason to feel this way.

he is everything i don't want to become; jobless and living with his parents at 30, separated with one kid whom he's not able to support by himself, a liar, a cheater, a thief. i will probably run-out of negative adjectives to describe his behavior. sometimes, i wonder what happened to that little cute boy from years back. we grew up together and for a time, he was my best friend.

good thing he was not in the house when i arrived. he must have known that i'll be coming home. i found out from my folks that he left last friday to attend to some "businesses" and will be back by monday, at which time i would already be here in manila. after losing some considerable amount to him, i don't know what i would do should we see each other face to face.

but in spite of everything, i am still hoping that this cousin of mine will learn his lessons. matanda na siya. its time for him to realize the consequence of his actions and be man enough to admit his mistakes and not blame them on the people around him.

if he can't do it for himself, at least do it for his little girl.


at the end of it all, what we will become in the future depends on our choices and decisions today.

Monday, June 15, 2009


it was something i used to do years and years ago. i know for a fact that the end result is not very promising but i still would like to give it one more chance. however, this means that i have to give up certain things that i most definitely enjoy at the moment.

this morning, i already spoke to my connections just to confirm how much the thing would cost me. i initially thought it would be more expensive now but after getting the figures and checking my finances, i found out i can still include it in my list. five figures ain't that bad, right?

i guess there's no stopping now. i'm going there later this week to observe, possibly, check all the ins and outs, before dipping my hands.

but i must admit, i still have my reservations. what pushes me forward is the fact that if i don't do it now, i may not be able to do it again in the future.

hmmm... too much worries. time for stan to take over.


should i or should i not? that is the question.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


today marks the 111th anniversary of philippine independence.

i know to some people it will sound corny but i have always felt proud knowing that amidst the hardships and difficulties we are facing today as a nation, at least we are not living under suppression and tyranny anymore. we can always hold our heads up high and shout to the world that we are, indeed, free.

however, the past 111 years should have given us the proper lessons already. heroes come and go but it seems the filipino people still does not know which direction to take. the youth are the hope of the nation, one famous adage that i have heard countless times before. thing is, generations after generations of youth has already been born and died but we always go back to squre one. that's harsh. squre two perhaps, if there's such a thing.

blame it on crab mentality, yes, i can imagine a lot of gleeful nods. shame on us. why not blame ourselves? that's one part of the problem. we always look for something or someone else to blame.

but regardless of everything, i still have high hopes for this nation. everyone is leaving, i know; to put food on their tables, i know; to search for greener pastures, i know. but i don't want to be the one who turned my back on my country.

the way towards national empowerment is still foggy. what lies ahead, we are not sure but going forward is always the best option. i hope to see the day that filipinos once again are united, but not only in a manny pacquiao match.

hmmm, i know i'm getting too serious already. on the lighter side, holidays are good. that means no work, or if there is, bigger pay. but what i have observed lately is that we are now on the habit of moving holidays. i don't think its cool. i mean, come on, imagine moving christmas, or worse, imagine moving your birthday.

well, maybe its always the thought that counts. but let me just say this, freedom is more than just displaying our flag during this day. we've earned it. let's use it to march forward.


a year after this entry was written, i see no visible indication that we are moving forward as a nation. in fact, events of recent days show otherwise. but like i said, it is never too late. hope springs eternal.