Thursday, February 19, 2009

truths

this is going to be a fairly long entry. you have been forewarned. if, after the agonizing read, you found your head spinning or your nose bleeding, just send me a message and i will take care of the hospital bills.

now, where do i begin? yes, i guess that would be the most appropriate start...

revelation

john stanley's what happens next will be offline for a while, a result of my own mistake. maybe a week is enough. still twitting though.
-twitter entry, feb 14

somebody warned me that it's just gonna be trouble. and it was, but not the way i imagined it to be. what happened was a result of my own carelessness. and it all started with a freaking phonebook.

my friends from work know that i "used" to blog. the online journal they were following was officially closed last month, the last entry being a welcome to the new year as well as an ending of yet another chapter in my so-called existence. little did they know that another one has just been opened months before, where, for the first time, john stan reveals the bits and pieces that they can only imagine in their wildest dreams.

one of them, a homophobe in all aspects, happened to see unfamiliar names in my phonebook the last time he borrowed my mobile phone. the thing is, for all my blog contacts, i put the word "blogger" in front of the name. i guess one particular name stuck firm in his mind, firm enough for him to do a profile search the next day.

and he found his blog; read a few entries, from which he was able to deduce the type of people i associate with. still, he is not aware of the real score but being the gossip-monger i know he is, it did not even take a day for some others to know about it.

one of them who heard the news was a female friend i am closed to. curious as she is, she started scanning the links connected to this blog. true enough, she knew me well to know which one is mine. she called me up the next day, informing me that there's something important she needs to tell me. she went up to my office where, after closing the door behind us as we entered the meeting room, the words were said,

" i know your secret."

paranoia

she took it well, that i am almost sure. i don't really know what i should feel then. the secret i am keeping for years, even to my closest friends and family, was revealed and i don't know how to respond. but i cannot deny the sudden feeling of joy, for at last, there is one person who really knows me for who i am, one who has penetrated the wall and unmasked the real me.

on the other hand, i felt the fear in her voice. she was afraid for me. perhaps she understands the difficulties i will have to go through should this secret be revealed. i guess at that point, the same fear has overwhelmed me. not one hour has passed after our conversation, i decided to put my blog offline.

but the tension has already built up among us peers. while having lunch the same day at our regular spot, i felt the distance between us. the table was unusually quiet and any attempt at normal banter ended in complete silence.

six years of being one of us did not prepare me for this moment. all the while, i am thinking that this shadow will be hidden every time i step out of my comfort zone. i was wrong.

and all this happened on saint valentine's day.

pretense

the day after was no different. long before, the group has already set this day for the hot air balloon festival at clark. backing out from the trip was not an option for i am convinced that the situation should not pull me down.

while plying the expressway up north, my mind races, perhaps even faster than zoom-zoom. the lack of sleep the night before has made me a bit restless. consider it over-reacting but i cannot really restrain myself from thinking about the circumstances.

good thing the morning balloon flight provided a distraction from my seemingly incessant pondering. with as much effort as i can muster, i was able to go through half the day and still manage to enjoy portions of the show.

half the day, yes, for i decided to go home ahead of them, alone.

solace

stray negative thoughts are starting to take over me. i am slowly losing my strength and there is no one for me to hold on. contrary to popular beliefs, john stan is not always an iron pillar. he may seem that way but deep within, just like everybody else, he feels that need for a shoulder to lean on to, at times.

waking up monday morning, i knew i had to seek solace elsewhere. i needed my moment of silence to be able to re-assess my own perspectives. retreating to that special place where i could always find my inner peace came to mind and the willing body followed without much effort.

a few hours later, i found myself staring at the wide skies of caleruega. despite feeling a bit cold, walking alongside the lush greens still brings me warmth from within; the clouds and the mountains, all of them sending me little messages of serenity.

as i entered the church on top of the hill, i was struck with a new knowledge about truths and friendships.

that each of us believes certain truths that others may find hard to accept. we cannot really hold it against each other for this is what we are exposed to;

that there exists friendship not only because of the truths we share but also with those we don't but learned to respect.

and just like that, john stan has found his wings and learned to fly again.

today has become a day of decisions.
-twitter entry, feb 16


***

right now, the future looks bleak. opening this blog again means inviting the risk of exposure. but i have learned my truths and with that, i am facing this game more ready than i used to be.

8 comments:

  1. fly high, dear butterfly....

    welcome back, s...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Had you told me, or at least given a clearer hint that you were in trouble, I would have declared a holiday and race towards your side. Next time, I would pay more attention.

    Anyway it's alright. The birth pangs is always difficult to accept. I had my own struggles too, but now that I'm free and somewhat accepted by the people around me, those dreary days seem to be far far away. :)

    You will endure dude. You will.

    ReplyDelete
  3. nabaliw ako sa typo. sorry, take two... ehem.

    you have a battalion of fierce and fabulous supporters who will drop their precious signature labeled bags at a moments beckon!

    you have real friends here as well john, where your kind of "secret" is daily fare. stay honest. stay true. let these people know that at the end of the day, nothing really changed with this revelation :)you are still the same john... only that this time, you have license to wear a feather boa when you need cheering up.

    ahahahahaha! joke....

    ReplyDelete
  4. There will always be room in this closet for you. We all have our secrets. Hopefully, someday, sometime and someway, we’ll all be able to come out to the world, and with it realize that... each of our deepest, darkest secrets isn't really a big deal.

    ReplyDelete
  5. John, this is a brave thing that you did, opening up your blog again despite the risks. But whatever happens, you have a lot friends who will support you and be on your side when you need them.

    You have found an extended LOVING and UNDERSTANDING family in us. And just like what PinoyPoz said, in time these secrets that we keep isn't really a bid deal after all.

    Pero tampo pa rin ako sa 'yo. Hmpf! =)

    ReplyDelete
  6. 'there exists friendship not only because of the truths we share but also with those we don't but learned to respect'

    this is the kind really worth keeping. i admire your courage. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  7. @the geek: thanks, dude. i know i told you why already but still, thanks again.

    @mugen: i am a stubborn bull, joms. i will endure.

    @jamiedavince: the feather boa seems like a great idea. :) wish i could help you as well.

    @pinoypoz: until that time comes, i will play this game. thanks, buddy.

    @mr. scheez: bakit ka naman nagtampo? :)

    @mksurf8: thanks. that kind of friendship is what we are all after.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Ramdam ko na hindi ka okay nung mga panahon na iyon, pero sabi mo you're fine. Eh di sana me nagawa man lang ako kahit na maliit na bagay para kay Kuya.

    ReplyDelete