Thursday, May 21, 2009

chronicles | birthday gift

i saw him looking at me when i got off the cab. it seems he has something to say but decided otherwise. i can't explain, not now. i am not ready and i know there's no proper explanation for what i did. but he never asked for it. that's what puzzles me. i expected a tirade. but he came in his usual self, with a sunny smile and all. the long talk over dinner was really nice. he made sure that the conversation never stray to what has happened in the past weeks.

for one thing, i never thought that we'd see each other today. after what i did, i'm quite sure i'd never hear from him again. but he remembered my birthday and he asked me out. in a few days, i know he will be leaving the country. i had to see him if only to explain myself. we were both mad the last time we talked. my exams will start soon and the pressure is killing me. i know he will understand, he has to.

i found him waiting at the lobby. he came ahead of me. he's always on time and me, i'm always late. i noticed he's holding a box. he saw me and smiled. i miss that smile. i haven't seen that for almost five weeks now. should i smile back? isn't he mad at me?

happy birthday, eric, he said as he handed me the box. this is for you. i would have wanted to give you a big hug but people are looking.

thanks, i said. that's all i can say at the moment. i stared at his face, looking for any sign of anger. there was none.

i made reservations already. let's go inside. i'm starving.

he led the way towards our table. it was at the far end of the hall where only a few people are sitting. good place. we can talk and nobody will hear us.

open your gift. he's smiling again. i don't understand his actions. didn't we just break up? what's happening?

i unwrapped the small box and saw a watch inside. i remember this one. we were at the mall then looking for some stuff when i asked him to come with me and check out a watch store. i need something that i can use during my exams. i need to always be aware of the time. i found this one particularly nice with a silver metallic frame, brown facing and leather bracelets. i'd get this one soon, i told him.

now he bought it for me. a gift for my birthday.

wow, i love it, tony! thanks a lot.

something special for someone special, he said grinning.

dinner's served after and we talked about my coming exams. i told him i fear that i'm not yet ready. i fear that i'm going to fail. he said that nobody really is ready when taking these professional exams. that it's all a matter of stored knowledge. that i should have faith in myself knowing that i did my best to prepare for it. he's always optimistic; one of the traits i love about him. i realized i miss talking to him. he always manage to calm my nerves.

i'm leaving on the eighteenth. i'll be gone for six months.

i knew that, of course. and i dread for that day to come. for he'll be thousands of miles away from me. but i already gave up my claim over him. deep inside, i know i want him beside me. but i can't ask him to stay. i won't ask him to stay.

take care of yourself there. its far. and you'll be all alone.

thanks.

and then there was silence. like there were only the two of us in that place. what am i going to say next? he's been really nice the whole time. much as he's trying to hide it, i can see the pain in his eyes. i can't bear to add more pain into it. we're both hurting. i feel what he feels.

do you want to go and have coffee?

i think i'll pass. i still have to catch up with my reading. and sunday is my exam's first day.

then i guess we should go now. remember what i said. believe that you'll do well. happy birthday again.

we took the same cab on our way home. as always, he dropped me at my street but this time, there were no promises of tomorrow. only a fleeting goodbye.

i opened the box again to see the watch that he gave me. as i take it out, i saw a small piece of paper inside. more greetings, i thought and my lips curved into a smile.

i was wrong.

as much as i want you back in my arms, i am not breaking my word. i already set you free. the only thing i should settle now is how i will do it for myself. hard, but i am not giving myself any other choice. take care of yourself. and thanks for the memories.

tonight will be the last night that you'll see me. one day, i hope, we will find our own happiness, away from each, never crossing paths again. goodbye, eric. i love you.


and all i can do is cry.


***

another attempt at writing a story. take note, its an attempt, nothing more.

5 comments:

  1. shedding tears after I read this post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. i never believe in goodbyes. sooner or later, magsasama din kayo...

    ReplyDelete