Thursday, December 31, 2009

what happened was

tonight comes the last few hours of 2009. kung anumang putukan ang maganap mamaya lang, wala sa plano ko yan, promise.

anyway, the past year has been a big roller-coaster ride for me, both in my professional and personal life. i consider each achievement a milestone; each milestone the spice that adds flavor to the main ingredients of my life.

looking back, john stan came into full bloom this year. from just a mere persona created from the depths of my being, i was able to embrace him as an integral part of my personality. thus, come early part of the year, i decided that it was, indeed, time to cross over the fence and introduce myself to the world, well, the discreet world, that is.

from then on, john stan has continued to evolve, adapting to his environment but still maintaining the essence within. true, change is inevitable and this blog has been a witness to my many transformations. you were there with me in my successes and victories but most importantly, you never left me in times of failures, in moments of defeats.

ilan sa inyo ay nakiiyak sa akin. marami ay natawa sa mga kalokohan ko sa buhay. siguro marami ring nagalit dahil sa aking mga desisyon. may mga nagpayo, sumuporta, nakisaya, nagtaas ng kilay, bumuntong-hininga. anuman ang inyong naging pagtanggap sa aking pagkatao, rest assured that i am very thankful to all. never did i realize until now that i am capable of drawing such emotions from a diverse group of people.

to those of you who decided to not only become mere readers but be my friends as well, maraming maraming salamat. you are all inspirations to me for it is only with you where i can truly be myself. and you all understood why, without passing judgment. teka, sino-sino na nga kayo?

at sa mga nagtataka kung bakit marami raw alam sa blogosphere si john stan, sorry but really, it's not my fault. when we write the stories of our lives, most of the time, we reveal more about ourselves than what we want to. madaling buhulin ang mga lubid ng kwento. madaling tahiin ang mga retaso ng ating pagkatao. kung may nalaman ako tungkol sa inyo, sisihin ang blogspot, ang twitter at ang facebook.

to all of you who walked with me in 2009, thank you very much. sana, mas maraming taon pa tayong pagsamahan.


alam ko, bawal ang past tense sa title pero pagbigyan niyo na ko. new year naman. wala lang talaga akong ibang maisip.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

some kind of foreplay

such an effort.

yes, i guess that's how i would describe what happened a few nights back. the meet-up was relatively simple but taking him to bed was another story altogether. you see, he used to be a "iskolar ng bayan". he came from the same place where tristan probably lost his virginity. note the term probably for i am just assuming.

anyway, the guy is a knock-out for those who dig the moreno-chinito types. quite opinionated and oftentimes intellectual, he likes talking about different topics ranging from the latest headlines up to the most trivial of stuff. thus, in order to warm the mood, i have to unleash the inner geek in me and play with him head on.

we ended up in bed alright, but not after i had my first nose-bleed discussing subjects worthy of an audience. and why not when you're talking about these:

a. on which logistics company is better in terms of services and customer satisfaction,

b. on why pasig has been greatly affected by ondoy,

c. on why iskolar's are liberated,

d. on which engineering discipline is most in-demand,

e. on why integral calculus is integral in college education, and

f. on how calcium carbonate became an important element (well, technically, a compound) of my job.

funny, i was actually imagining him reaching orgasm shouting the empirical formula for lime, "CaCO3, ahhh, CaCO3, ahhh, CaCOOOOOOOOOO3!".


Sunday, December 27, 2009

fork in the road

sabi mo, you don't do love.

sabi ko, ako rin.

'yun pala pareho tayong nagsinungaling.

hayun tuloy, lalong gumulo 'yung sitwasyon.

masyadong kumplikado.

siguro mas madali kung ngayon pa lang,

umiwas na ko.

Friday, December 25, 2009

on christmas eve

it's christmas day today and i'm still here at work hoping that any minute soon i'll be able to get my ass off from my seat and drive away home. as luck would have it, we'll be able to finish by lunchtime and everything's gonna be up and running.

this has been quite an experience for me. as i have said before, i'm used to being at home during the yuletide season. but things change and now, i am no more in control of my schedule. however, i'd like to point out too that even though noche buena was not spent with the family, i did enjoy it as much with such wonderful and nice people.

and thus, i'd like to thank ternie and his gang for adopting me last night. even though i was the newbie in the crowd, i never, for one moment, felt out of place. in fact, unexpectedly, this is one of my better christmases.

ternie, natuwa ako sa platito mo. ang cute.

eb, ang kulit mo pala talaga 'pag naka-red horse.

cb, nice to finally meet you. ipakilala mo naman si married officemate. i'll bring a shopping bag na lang.

lukayo, ang perky lang ng nipple mo last night ha!

thanks guys for the wonderful christmas dinner.

and thanks, too, to joms and bitch for checking on me last night. nahipo ako, hehehe!

happy christmas to all.

Monday, December 21, 2009


right now i can't help but feel sorry for myself.

whatever drive there is to finish all my tasks right before christmas day has already been extinguished thanks to this crazy news that i receive this early monday morning.

i thought i got everything settled already. i know we're running on a very tight schedule that's why i planned my trip home on the night of the twenty-fourth. with almost three hours on the road, i'm pretty sure i'll be able to enjoy noche buena with my family. of course, next day would not only be christmas but also my granny's eighty-sixth birthday. as always, all of us children and grandchildren alike will be there to celebrate together. it was, after all, a family tradition.

but i won't be able to join my family this year. the top bosses made sure of that.

i'll be working on christmas day.


in my entire life, i haven't experienced christmas day without my family. i know it's not that big a deal to some but it is to me. worse, i can already imagine how sad it would be on the night of the twenty-fourth - as families and friends exchange greetings and well-wishes, i'd be there in my dark room, alone, waiting for sleep to conquer my consciousness.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

this christmas


lahat naman ng pinangarap ko, ibinigay mo.

ngayong pasko, pasasalamat lang ang nais kong i-alay sa 'yo.

john stan

Saturday, December 12, 2009

"lutang" moment

ala-una ng hapon, patay na oras, tirik ang araw at sa loob ng isang air-conditioned na kwarto.

nagmi-meeting kami tungkol sa mga activities sa planta ng biglang magsarili na naman ng lakad ang utak ko. halatang hindi na naman ako nakikinig sa boring na usapan kaya pinili kong yumuko at kunwari ay nagbabasa ng mga notes sa aking planner.

subalit nasobrahan yata ang paglalakbay ng aking utak kaya tuluyan na akong nawala sa sarili at napakanta.

don't cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me
don't cha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me
i say, don't cha.

nagulat na lang ako ng biglang tumahimik ang paligid.

hindi ko na nagawang mag-angat pa ng mukha.

Monday, December 7, 2009

coming out... sort of | part three

coming out... sort of | part one

coming out... sort of | part two

without saying a word, i got up from the bed, ready to walk away. but as i did, he got up quickly as well and hug me tightly, my back against him.

i heard his uneasy breathing near my ears. and then a whisper.

"i've been wanting to do this for the longest time."


i don't know what came over me but i just stood there silently. even when he started kissing my nape, i did not utter a single word. i felt his hands move from my arms to my shoulders, slowly directing me to face him. our eyes met and i was trying to read the message in there but all i see is desire. i saw his face moving towards mine until our lips met.

that hotel room was a witness to my many firsts. and i must say that i did enjoy the night with him. it was a different feeling, something that i haven't experienced before; weird in some way but nonetheless fulfilling.

funny, but unlike my initial reaction to his advances, i never felt any anger towards bert. we bid our goodbyes at the hotel lobby the next day with a promise that whatever happened inside the small room will remain a secret for us to keep. and that inspite of the fact that we crossed-over the threshold of friendship, we'll continue being good friends. come what may.

days passed and i never heard any word from him. exactly a month after that incident, on his birthday month, bert called me up to relay a seemingly important message. he said that he had been thinking about me all the time and couldn't forget what happened in cebu. that was the reason why he became silent all of a sudden; because he knew that i was straight then, had a girlfriend, and probably would not entertain the thought of reciprocating his feelings.

he told me that he consulted his priest friend about his predicament. the priest, although a follower of the faith, simply told him that loving is not a negative feeling and that whoever it is directed to, gender and identities aside, is one lucky person to receive it. but he was warned that there are certain consequences for society does not tolerate such. in the end, however, he was told to follow what his heart so desires.

needless to say, bert convinced me that we are worth a try. on his birthday, we officially became a couple and true, it was a long distance relationship.

but every so often, bert would visit his father and i myself would make up some lame excuse to be able to go to manila and meet him. we'd go on dates and enjoy the limited times we shared with each other. we'd paint a promising future together where all dreams would come true. we'd lie down under the stars wishing that what we have will not come to an end.

in the end, however, we're still both young and immature. we fight in the simplest of things and will not even bother to call each other for a week or so. it was the turning point of our relationship and from then on, the promise of forever started to fail us both.

the conclusion of our story happened in tagaytay one cold december afternoon. i was standing at the terrace of our hotel room overlooking taal contemplating whether i should go on with my decision. he was inside the room pretending to be busy with something else. i felt his sad gaze from afar and right then i knew that it would break our hearts if i go on with it.

but it must be done.

to be continued...

Friday, December 4, 2009


habang nagpapalipas ng oras kanina sa casa, naisipan kong buklatin ang isang broadsheet sa aking harapan. nagkataon naman na nasa ibabaw ang society pages kaya ito ang una kong kinuha. di ko ine-expect na pagbukas ko pa lang ay makikita ko ang isang larawang magpapaalala ng mga pangyayari tatlong taon na ang nakalipas.


bente-kwatro pa lang ako 'nun at trentay-dos naman siya. nagkakilala kami sa isang bar sa makati ng minsang sumama ako sa ilang kaibigan sa kanilang quiz night. gwapo, matangkad at maganda ang pangangatawan kaya naman madali ko siyang napansin. bukod pa diyan, member siya ng isang team na kasali sa quiz night. perfect, sabi ko sa sarili ko.

nagkataon naman na kilala siya ng isa sa aking mga kaibigan kay na-introduce kami sa isa't isa. nagtanguan kami at ayos na sa akin 'yun. sa hitsura pa lang niya, alam kong mahirap abutin ang kanyang level.

pero sa hindi inaasahang pangyayari, nakuha ko ang pansin niya. 'nung magkaroon ng audience participation ay ako ang itinuro ng aking mga kakilala. inihanda ko ang sarili sa tanong ng emcee.

who is the only british prime minister without a wife?

nagulat ako sapagkat hindi ko masyadong kabisado ang history ng britanya. gayunpaman, pinilit kong mag-isip. teka, mukhang trick question to, sabi ko sa sarili ko. 'yun ang isa sa pambato ko, medyo matalas ang analysis sa mga bagay-bagay.

margaret thatcher, kampante kong sagot.

napansin ko na lamang na nakatingin siya sa akin habang nakangiti. marahil naisip niyang hindi naman pala talaga ganoon kahirap ang tanong. tumango siya at nagtaas ng kanyang wine glass.

lumapit siya sa akin ng matapos ang contest. nakipagkwentuhan tungkol sa ilang mga bagay-bagay. marami kaming napag-usapan sa maikling panahon ng aming pag-uusap. nalaman ko na galing siya sa pamilyang ang linya ay nasa real estate at wala sa pilipinas ang kanyang mga magulang. sa makati siya nakatira pero tuwing weekend ay dumadalaw sa kanyang lola na nakatira sa wack-wack. at isa siyang triathlete kaya pala talagang maganda ang kanyang pangangatawan.

lampas hatinggabi na nang inaya niya kong sumama sa kanyang tirahan. type ko kaya naman hindi na ko tumanggi. subalit sa pagpayag ko palang 'yon, may mas malaking bagay pa akong matutuklasan tungkol sa kanyang pagkatao.

pumasok kami sa isang building na malapit sa ayala avenue. nagulat ako sapagkat alam kong hindi residential ang gusali na 'yon. sumaludo pa sa kanya ang dalawang gwardya 'nung dumaan kami.

pagpasok sa elevator, nakita kong pinindot niya ang "p". may penthouse ang building at doon kami pupunta.

maganda ang tanawin sa penthouse niya sapagkat napapalibutan ito ng salamin. mula sa taas ay kita mo ang maningning na ilaw sa mga gusali ng makati. habang nakatingin ako sa labas, naramdaman ko na lamang ang pagyakap niya mula sa aking likuran. tinamnan niya ng mga munting halik ang aking batok. unti-unti na rin akong nadadala sa kanya at naramdaman niya ang aking pangininig.

unti-unti ay hinila niya ko sa kanyang kwarto. sa aming pagpasok, doon sa malapad na dingding ay nakita kong nakasabit ang isang malaking painting. nakasulat ang kanyang pangalan at sa ilalim nito ay ang mga sumusunod: president and chief executive officer, ****** group of companies.

nalula ako sa aking nalaman. hindi lang pala siya basta miyembro ng pamilyang nakalinya sa real estate. siya ang nagpapalakad ng kanilang kumpanya at siya rin ang nagmamay-ari ng building na kung saan ay naroon ako ngayon. hindi ko alam kung paano magre-react.

nais ko sanang magsalita pa subalit huli na dahil unti-unti na niyang isinara ang pintuan.


thirty-five na siya ngayon. hindi pa rin nagbabago ang kanyang hitsura.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


what are the odds that you will meet somebody you know at boracay in an off-peak season?

true, it was a long weekend but still, the probability could have been so little. i mean, it's quite far away and only a few people would think of going there on november and just right after a big typhoon.

i therefore deduce that it was conspiracy from heaven. indeed, it was conspiracy that i have to meet an ex-boyfriend in boracay when i'm spending time with the girl i'm dating. and he's not just any -ex. he's lawyer-ex, of all people, who started hitting on me again right after our dinner a few months back.

and i even thought that one meeting would be enough to stir my vacation. but no! the odds are against me. for during our flight back to manila, the guy was sitting on my right with only the aisle separating us.


i told you, it's conspiracy.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

isang taon na pala

december na.

i did not even notice it. excited kasing masyado na magbakasyon kaya nawala na lang bigla sa isip ko.

when i was checking my posts earlier, i just realized that my blog has turned one year old already. funny. my "mainstream" blog was almost of the same age when i closed it. and to think that i used to be more serious with it.

i consider this one a milestone. maikli ang retention period ko kaya madali akong mainip at magsawa. and to be able to maintain this journal for a year is already an achievement for me. i just hope that with the past year, i was able to share the lessons i've learned with life, love, and anything in-between.

sabi nga ng blog ko, what happens next?

fact is, i still don't know. but that's the best thing about it, not knowing what lies ahead. it makes us look forward to the challenges of tomorrow, each day arming ourselves with experiences and lessons we pick up along our journey.

as for me, i decided to live each day at a time. tama na muna ang sobrang pagpa-plano. gone were the days when i will be laying down my options five years into the future. it's time for me to enjoy the fruits of that phase in my life.

buwisit, tumatanda na yata talaga ako!

and to all of you who endured my (senseless) rants, thanks a million. rest assured that john stan will continue to impart his wisdom and his chismis even on the most trivial of things.

for now, let's all celebrate the life that keeps on getting better and better.

of racing and running over

it was my trainer's fault. he kept on bugging me to join official runs in the last two months. i was telling him that i was nowhere near ready for such and in return, he made me do every running-related exercise in the book not to mention the gruelling dynamic stretches in-between. and so, every time a marathon schedule approaches, he'd insist that i try them and get a feel of how it is to be a runner.

well, i had my chance last november 22 at the botak paa-bilisan road race held at the fort. since it was my first time, i decided to run the 5k race. my trainer would have wanted me to try the longer 10k but i declined since i don't intend to disgrace myself yet just in case something, uhmmm, humiliating happen on the road.

the results were in already late last week but i just got back from my vay-cay and were only able to see it this morning. interestingly, i was so close to my estimated time and i clocked my best so far for 5k.

i find it funny that in the list, my name is succeeded with "27 m b male". parang introduction lang sa mirc.

on a different (and yet) totally related note, i ran over a lamp post last night on my way home. geez, i guess, running is really getting into me. ugh.