Saturday, January 31, 2009

random facts

a thousand moonlights ago, i realized that the clubbing scene is not for me. the wild music burns my ears and the constant play of the bright lights hurt my eyes. since then, i found out that i'd much rather go to places where silence is my companion, with the cold winds brushing my face, where solitude is bliss, away from other people's prying eyes.

but that's just one thing about me.

in most of my encounters with fellow bloggers, the first thing i am asked about is my age. it seems that my blog leaves the impression that i'm quite old already. rather than get insulted, i am really pleased that you guys think i write mature, if that is the case. wait, i hope that's the case.

other than that, there's really no special thing about me. i am just the regular bloke that you met across the street. as proof to this claim, i compiled a few random facts about stan the person. that behind the lines in this blog, this is who i am.

1. i am color blind. when it comes to traffic lights, i guess i'm just lucky. and cautious, too.

2. i don't eat vegetables. wait, do you consider potatoes as veggies?

3. i am a chicken person. i will eat everything chicken.

4. i drive around at nights, sometimes to places you never thought i would be.

5. i love the sunrise. i wait for it when i feel like doing so.

6. i am into photography. for fun.

7. bisaya was the first dialect i learned. ironic; i can't speak it now.

8. dad is from the north and mom is from the south. you're thinking right. they met halfway to make me.

9. i want to fly. but that's impossible. so i go to high places instead.

10. i have an alter - ego. i'm keeping it hidden.

11. i love reading. i finished 7 harry potter books in 7 days and 4 twilight books in 4 days.

12. i love walking. i can go walking for hours and it won't be a problem.

13. the uncanny x-men is my favorite cartoon of all time.

14. but now i'm into heroes series. never fail to glue my eyes to the tube.

15. i patronize pirated dvds. sue me if you have any problems with that.

16. caramel macchiato is my preferred coffee.

17. ghost is my favorite movie. but i like tom hanks in forrest gump.

18. i don't believe in long courtships. twice i broke up a couple to get the girl. but that was then.

19. i'm nice but naughty as well. but you wouldn't know that.

20. once i pissed in my pants during grade school. the teacher washed my pants and undies.

21. i ditch classes in college when i feel like doing so; yep, one of the perks of being an ace student.

22. 22 is my favorite number. i won jueteng twice because of this.

23. i went to sweden without a visa. the train looks so inviting i had to get in.

24. i've been on a nude beach in europe but i haven't been to boracay yet.

25. tuyo is my favorite breakfast. dilis comes in a close second.

i am not a nice person and i had my shares of blunders in the past. but i have learned since then. likewise, i have always told myself time and time again that i don't have to make my own mistakes all the time.

but sometimes, i still don't listen.


***

almost everybody is talking about the love month already. i might just dive into the subject one of these days. but then again, what can i say about it?

Monday, January 26, 2009

happiness is my destination

if you were stranded in an island, how did you get there?

by plane, of course!

- the thank you girls


a dose of laughter capped my day yesterday. after noticing some good reviews for the film, i decided to catch the last full show last night for my usual alone time. good thing that i don't work on mondays, else, i would be suffering from the dreaded monday sickness that most, if not all, employees seem to have.

call me the restless one, literally, because the movie was not the highlight of yesterday's series of activities. body and mind awake at 5:00 in the morning, i used the first hour to make sure that zoom-zoom is squeaky clean and shining. that metal, much like me, is not used to going out at daytime that's why i have to make him as presentable as possible (although, it was later in the day when i realized that no matter how he looks like, zoom can still induce stiff necks from nosy strangers, much to the delight of my ego and pride, hahaha!).

my companion and i will be meeting up somewhere in katipunan at around 7:00 for a scheduled trip to tagaytay (read: scheduled meant it was planned a day before) but i never expected to catch the sunrise at my usual favorite spot prompting me to make a wide u-turn, stop for a while, and enjoy the moment. i really don't know why but i'm such a sucker for sunrise. i guess it is the mere thought of me bearing witness to the start of a new dawn that uplifts my spirit says the sentimental jerk that i am.

suffice to say i was late but my ever so polite friend seemed to have not minded so much. we were really hoping to start the trip early to avoid the traffic along c5 and as such, make this one a leisurely drive. at any rate, sticking to the original plan meant i should drive at top speeds to get to our destination on time. the crazy driver in me says he'd like that very much.

and so, after passing quite a long stretch of pineapple shrubs in silang, we found ourselves atop palace in the sky at around 8:30 (one hour from katipunan isn't that bad, right?). the majestic view of the lake coupled with the cold and windy surroundings more than made up for waking up very early. indeed, tagaytay's piece of heaven is far better than the dusty environment i call home. it is, literally, a breath of fresh air.

a few hours later and we're off to my favorite place to sample once again the sumptuous meal that keeps me coming back. we opted to take the bahay kubo nearest to the cliff where a slight shift in the breeze would sway it in all directions. and then the conversation ensued; about life, love, and such other issues that add color to being people like us. it would have been really perfect except for this singing group that moves from kubo to kubo and upon reaching ours, insisted to play the song "bubbly", thus breaking the mood.

since it is a sunday, we decided to pass by a church to say our prayers. i took my friend to the adoration convent of the pink sisters where i had a few lessons in gaydar management considering the wide array of subjects to practice with. admittedly, we wondered whether it was the reason why they call it the convent of the pink sisters (guys, we found the national headquarters, hahaha!).

the long trip was, indeed, worth it and the experience was more than enjoyable. as we traverse the expressway towards home, i looked back at how the day went; remembering every details and lessons learned from the encounter. that although i seem to enjoy the best things that i can afford, it is the little things in life that can really, truly make us happy.

o baka naman mababaw lang talaga kaligayahan ko?


***

this is how i write in my old blog, the mainstream blog, as how one blogger friend puts it. i guess there's a big difference from what i usually post here.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

uncertain

my night has started again.

saying goodbye to the hassles of work once more, i prepared myself for the long journey ahead. to which direction i am going to take, i am not sure. i long resolved not to consider my destination for it is the voyage that is important. good thing zoom-zoom is in top shape. i had him checked a few months ago; my trusty piece of metal, my ticket to the world of unknown territories.

tonight, like any other nights before, i take this journey alone. as the cold winds brush my face, a fountain of memories started to pour from my inner being, hazy at first but slowly growing, enveloping me from within. the scenes are repeating right before my very eyes and right now, i am both the actor and the audience, carefully studying the puzzles of this thing i call my life.

i see myself in a familiar road, where, for the last few instances, i opted not to take. i smell fear, fear of uncertainty, as a series of what-could-haves crossed my horizon. i was not prepared for this sudden surge of longing. lately, i've been forcing myself to believe that this stuff is not important, that i am already beyond such. i was wrong.

because i caught a glimpse of my stranger.

and i took a quick step, for my heart overshadowed the best of my decisions. now, as i look at myself from afar, i realized that, in the ways of the world, i am not as wise as i thought i would be. i was reminded of the younger me, one who would face the risk without hesitation, even if it means putting myself in a difficult situation.

but what's done is done. as i approach the same terrain where the web of lights once blurred my vision, i fully understood the weight hanging on my shoulders.

that what i'm feeling right now is more important than what i am thinking. this time, i will trust again my heart to come up with a better judgment.

i will wait for my stranger.

as i continue to descend the dark road towards a destination still unknown, one thing is certain in my mind. early in the morning i will return to this same spot and wait for the sunrise. for looming in the horizon may be the answer to my dreams,

it could be a promise of a better tomorrow

or the dawn may let all romantic notions vanish into thin air.

either way, i will be ready.



***

stan took a big step and on his ground, he stands firm...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

trailing thoughts

you handed me a silver necklace bearing the initials of our first names. then, you took out something from your bag, yes, the black one you always carry; the one you can't leave home without. a big tin can it is and i know that design. i opened the cover and inside, the stuffed bear sits silently, clutching a red heart that will soon be broken into shattered pieces.

i blame the cold weather for the icy chill feeling. and the bloggers as well, for opening again a series of thoughts i would have wanted to leave behind. such is the effect of the frosty winds and enduring love stories; taking you back to times when memories become permanently etched in the chambers of your heart.

i waited for you in that small piece of paradise, hoping that you will allow me one last glimpse before i leave. in a few days, we won't be seeing each other anymore. for how long, i really don't know. i gave in to your request. you told me it is for the better. how can it be when it hurts so much? i handed you my watch, leaving us to time and fate.

the brush of cold winds takes us back to yesterday, reminiscing the ones who were, treasuring the ones who are and wondering about the ones who will be. happy and painful memories they were yet we chose to keep them, pondering at times, thinking if one small decision could have changed the course of destiny.

i travelled a thousand and one miles to be with you. months has passed already and i'm not sure what to expect. i followed my heart and came to your doorstep, for the first time uncertain, not trusting if my judgment was correct. you seemed happy. i can see it in your eyes. and from the reflections of the bright lights, i saw your future without me by your side.

trails of thoughts ended and we are reminded of the present. the moment has passed and we are brought back to reality, the cold reality, that right here, right now, in the coldness of the air, in the stillness of the surroundings, in the silence of the night, beneath the dark skies, we are still alone.

i imagine you from afar, the stranger whose face i am yet to see, the voice i am yet to hear. indeed, life is a big uncertainty and brave are those who face it with heads up high.

but as hopefuls believe, the right time will come and in that crossroad we will meet. together we will draw the future, allowing if possible, no margin of error, we will chart our direction in the wide seas of tomorrow.

then heaven will smile from above.


***

somebody told me that men are emotional in the night. i believe him.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

preferences

a fellow blogger and i were talking yesterday about a comment i made in his latest entry. i must admit, the escapade he mentioned, although not completely new, is something i have never done before. well, not in its entirety. like i told him, i was once in an "almost there" situation.

now i will stop there. i respect the privacy of our conversation so i won’t divulge any more information about it. but among the things we talked about, there was one question that haunted me until today.

what is your type?

considering that we are talking about a fairly light subject, little did he knew that my mind was already racing; going back to the past, the present, and everything in between, examining in detail, analyzing every conflict, questioning each resolution. i know, my own manner of thinking gives me a headache sometimes.

when confronted directly, i am afraid that i won’t be able to answer that question in all honesty. history reveals that when hormones take over the best of my decisions, my mind tends to gravitate towards anyone pleasing to the senses; to the eyes, initially, then to the touch, shortly following thereafter.

because admittedly, within our circles, most of the time, the physical attributes of a person dictate his value to the community. blessed are those gifted with bodies and faces for they are swamped with mere mortals awaiting their godly choices.

but as people grow mature, preferences go along with them. terms such as security, loyalty and sincerity begin to challenge our sensibilities. this shift in paradigm would only mean that we all will come to a point where we see further than what the eyes can offer.

one day, i hope to say that i am beyond that history i am referring to; that the next person to come into my life will be accepted not because he has the best frame and face in the sea of frames and faces in the dance floor…

… but that in the darkness of the night, his light will shine as bright as mine.


***

i once read before in a post somewhere that a relationship between two good-looking guys are bound to fail.

maybe. maybe not.

"one day, i hope, we will find our own happiness, away from each other, never crossing paths again."

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

break-ups are not cheap

my straight friends would often complain of how expensive it is to keep relationships - dinner at nice restaurants, drive around to far places, and the regular night-outs, not to mention keeping track of all the important dates and burying their minds on which gifts are appropriate with what occasions.

while this is particularly true to all valiant males who would not let their girls pay for a piece of the pie, the best thing about gay relationships is that both guys are on equal footing. of course, i am referring to that symbiotic relationship which is mutualism, not the predator-prey kind where one is left penniless in the end.

my simple rule is this, if i ask someone out, that means i am ready to shell the bucks. but that doesn't mean that if i was asked out myself, i won't share. let's just say that i try my best not to make paying an awkward moment.

now break-ups are a different story, at least in my case. i know each of us has our own coping mechanisms but mine doesn't seem to be a very nice one for i tend to indulge my earnings on things less trivial. and mind you, these are not the usual things.

right after my first one, i bought an ipod touch which i surely enjoyed, that is, initially. after a few days, i found myself singing to the tunes of emo love songs and the freaking ipod found its way to the bottom of my desk drawer. i got a playstation portable after that and my nights became filled with games all gruesome and bloody.

during my second break-up, my fascination with gadgets has again emerged and my wallet has been deeply scratched after buying this laptop which i am using at this very moment. though i consider this one a good buy, the reason for buying is still a little bit questionable.

my last one has been, by far, the most damaging in the pockets. this is probably because i invested a lot of emotions into the relationship that it required a huge deal to compensate for the blows that i received (no pun intended). after making sure that my finances are stable, i bought a car.

with all these in hand, i am now enjoying singlehood and relishing the freedom that comes with it. with every twists and turns and forks in the road, i learn to keep myself intact and traverse the highways less travelled. but as cynical as i may have become, i still hope for the day that i will slow down to a halt and open the front seat door to that stranger whom forever is not only a dream in the dark.

because break-ups are not cheap.


***

at the end of the day, material things are not enough to suppress the longing to be with someone whom you will call your own. it heals the bruises of the ego but not the punctures of the heart...