Tuesday, February 24, 2009

a "ultimate" farewell

sa loob ng dalawampu’t apat na oras ay tuluyan ng magpapaalam si stan. pagkatapos ng halos apat na buwan ng paglagi ko sa mundong ito ng blogosphere, panahon na upang lisanin ko ang lugar na itong itinuring ko na ring aking tahanan.

kahapon sa aking paglalakbay ay sinubukan kong tahakin ang isang bagong daan. sa una’y takot at kaba ang hatid nito sapagkat ang landas ay hindi pamilyar sa akin. apat na oras at daan-daang kilometro ang lumipas saka ko pa lamang nasilayan ang mga landmarks na nagsasabing narating ko na ang aking destinasyon. dahil dito, akin ng pinakawalan ang isang malalim na buntong-hininga.

tunay ngang sumasalamin ang bagay na ito sa kung anuman ang nagaganap sa aking kasalukuyan. binigyang buhay ko ang what happens next upang palayain ang aking isipan sa mga katanungang hindi ko kayang sagutin at mga katotohanang hindi ko masasasabi sa iba. ngunit sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, naligaw ako ng daan tungo sa aking kahapon. at muling nabuhay ang pag-aalinlangan.

at ngayon nga ay nasa harapan ako ng sanga-sangang kalsada na walang kasiguruhan. madilim ang landas na kailangang tahakin subalit napapanahon ng hanapin kong muli ang aking sarili. gaya ng aking natutunan simula ng ako’y magpasyang mabuhay mag-isa malayo sa aking pamilya, hindi ko maaaring ipagkatiwala ang aking bukas sa iba kundi sa mga kamay ko lamang.

gayunpaman, nais kong kuhanin ang pagkakataong ito upang mag-iwan ng pasasalamat sa mga taong sinabayan ako sa aking paglalakbay. ang bagay na ito ay hindi ko inaasahan pero tunay ngang tumataba ang aking puso sa katotohanang nakahanap ako ng mga tunay at mapagmahal na kaibigan sa maikling panahong inilagi ko dito.

sa iyo, sa mundong ito, ikaw ang una kong nakilala at itinuring na kaibigan. naging tagapagtago ng aking mga lihim at tagapagbigay ng lakas ng loob. ano ba ang sekreto mo at lagi mo akong napapatawa? alam kong mayroon ka ring kinakaharap na bagay ngayon kaya’t asahan mong sa kabila ng pagsasara ng blog na ito, ang aking puso ay nananatiling bukas para sa iyo. tandaan mo lang, hindi ako ganoon kalayo.

sa iyo, matapang ka sapagkat hinaharap mo ang mga bagay ng taas-noo sa kabila ng katotohanang mahirap ang iyong kalagayan. mapagmahal ka sapagkat pinili mong alalayan ang isang pamilyang hindi mo naman kaano-ano. alam kong mahirap pa ang labang iyong haharapin upang ipaunawa sa lahat ang maraming bagay tungkol sa hiv pero asahan mong kung hindi mo na kaya, ako ang lalaban para sa iyo.

sa iyo, hindi ko man nasuklian ang iyong kabaitan ay nanatili kang nandyan sa aking tabi. bunso, sa dulo ng iyong paglalakbay ay naroon ang taong nakalaan sa iyo. mahalin mo siya tulad ng pagmamahal na natutunan mo sa iyong pamilya. huwag ka palang mag-alala, ang pangakong road trip sa tagaytay ay hindi ko nakakalimutan.

sa iyo, nitong huli na lamang ng makilala kita subalit naniniwala akong hindi pa naman huli upang makilala natin ang isa’t isa ng lubusan. ikaw ang aking karamay sa panahong pinili kong pansamantalang iwanan ang mundong ito. maniwala ka sa akin na ang speed junkie ay laging mag-iingat. itabi mo ‘yung monterey ko, kukunin ko yan.

sa iyo, kung naniniwala ka pa sa sinseridad ng aking mga mata, isipin mo sanang pasasalamat ang nararamdaman ko para sa iyo. sa puntong ito ay tuluyan ng maghihiwalay ang ating mga landas subalit patuloy kong idadalangin na ikaw ay lumigaya.

si stan ay patuloy na maglalakbay upang hanaping muli ang tamang daan. mahirap man at mapanganib, kakayanin ko ang mga hadlang sapagkat alam kong sa aking panibagong tatahakin, dala ko ang mga ala-ala, aral, at habilin na mula sa inyo. dahil diyan, alam kong hindi ako nag-iisa.

maraming salamat.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

the love of siam

tong,

nakakatuwang nakakalungkot sapagkat kailangan pang idaan sa sulat ang isang bagay na maaari namang pag-usapan. hindi miminsang sinubukan kong makausap ka subalit hinihingi ng pagkakataong huwag nating baybayin ang daang walang kasiguraduhan.

ang pagdating mo sa buhay ko ay nagdulot ng maraming pagbabago. dati ay isa ka lamang pangarap subalit itinakda ng langit na magtagpo ang ating mga landas. magkaiba man ang daang ating tinutungo, naniniwala akong iisa ang hangganan ng ating paglalakbay.

sa kung anumang dahilan ay ginising mo ang aking natutulog na damdamin. binuhay ang pusong isinantabi na ang pagtibok. tunay na hindi kayang ipaliwanag ng isip kung bakit ang mga bagay na ito ay nararapat na maganap. subalit nanaig ang paniniwalang kapag puso na ang nagwika, anumang paliwanag ay hindi na kinakailangan.

ang pagmasdan ka sa malayo ay akin ng kasiyahan. isinara ang puso sa ilang pagkakataong may nagnanais na pumasok. inukit ang iyong pangalan sa batong damdamin. nangakong maghihintay sa tamang panahong handa ka ng papasukin ako sa iyong buhay.

nararamdaman ko ang alinlangan sa iyong mga likha. patuloy kang hinahabol ng pait ng iyong nakaraan. mahirap ang paglimot sa mga karanasan ng kahapon kung kaya’t ninais kitang damayan. ngunit hindi pa rin nawawaglit ang katotohanang ikaw pa rin ang nararapat na tumuldok sa iyong mga pangungusap.

sa lahat ng ito ay isa lamang ang aking napatunayan. malinaw pa sa tubig ang mensaheng hindi lumalabas sa iyong bibig. gustuhin ko mang ibigay sa iyo ang langit, hindi pa rin ako ang siyang makapagdadala ng iyong kaligayahan.

karuwagan ba ang pagtalikod sa isang pangako? minsan ay tinanong kita kung ano ang iyong pangarap. at sa mga araw na lumipas, ito ay hindi nabigyan ng kasagutan. tatalikuran kita hindi dahil nagbago na ang aking damdamin. gagawin ko ito upang bigyan ka ng pagkakataong mahanap mo ang iyong sarili.

sabi nila, ang paglalakbay daw ng tao ay katumbas ng buhay ng mga bituin. dalawampu’t limang milyong taon ang kailangan upang muling isilang ang mga tala. kung sa paglipas ng panahong ito ay magtagpo pa rin ang ating mga landasin, pipilitin ko ang hanging umihip tungo sa iyong direksyon. upang sabay nating layagin ang malawak na karagatan.

dalangin kong lumigaya ka. hanggang sa muli.


mew


***

i cannot be your boyfriend but that doesn't mean i don't love you.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

truths

this is going to be a fairly long entry. you have been forewarned. if, after the agonizing read, you found your head spinning or your nose bleeding, just send me a message and i will take care of the hospital bills.

now, where do i begin? yes, i guess that would be the most appropriate start...

revelation

john stanley's what happens next will be offline for a while, a result of my own mistake. maybe a week is enough. still twitting though.
-twitter entry, feb 14

somebody warned me that it's just gonna be trouble. and it was, but not the way i imagined it to be. what happened was a result of my own carelessness. and it all started with a freaking phonebook.

my friends from work know that i "used" to blog. the online journal they were following was officially closed last month, the last entry being a welcome to the new year as well as an ending of yet another chapter in my so-called existence. little did they know that another one has just been opened months before, where, for the first time, john stan reveals the bits and pieces that they can only imagine in their wildest dreams.

one of them, a homophobe in all aspects, happened to see unfamiliar names in my phonebook the last time he borrowed my mobile phone. the thing is, for all my blog contacts, i put the word "blogger" in front of the name. i guess one particular name stuck firm in his mind, firm enough for him to do a profile search the next day.

and he found his blog; read a few entries, from which he was able to deduce the type of people i associate with. still, he is not aware of the real score but being the gossip-monger i know he is, it did not even take a day for some others to know about it.

one of them who heard the news was a female friend i am closed to. curious as she is, she started scanning the links connected to this blog. true enough, she knew me well to know which one is mine. she called me up the next day, informing me that there's something important she needs to tell me. she went up to my office where, after closing the door behind us as we entered the meeting room, the words were said,

" i know your secret."

paranoia

she took it well, that i am almost sure. i don't really know what i should feel then. the secret i am keeping for years, even to my closest friends and family, was revealed and i don't know how to respond. but i cannot deny the sudden feeling of joy, for at last, there is one person who really knows me for who i am, one who has penetrated the wall and unmasked the real me.

on the other hand, i felt the fear in her voice. she was afraid for me. perhaps she understands the difficulties i will have to go through should this secret be revealed. i guess at that point, the same fear has overwhelmed me. not one hour has passed after our conversation, i decided to put my blog offline.

but the tension has already built up among us peers. while having lunch the same day at our regular spot, i felt the distance between us. the table was unusually quiet and any attempt at normal banter ended in complete silence.

six years of being one of us did not prepare me for this moment. all the while, i am thinking that this shadow will be hidden every time i step out of my comfort zone. i was wrong.

and all this happened on saint valentine's day.

pretense

the day after was no different. long before, the group has already set this day for the hot air balloon festival at clark. backing out from the trip was not an option for i am convinced that the situation should not pull me down.

while plying the expressway up north, my mind races, perhaps even faster than zoom-zoom. the lack of sleep the night before has made me a bit restless. consider it over-reacting but i cannot really restrain myself from thinking about the circumstances.

good thing the morning balloon flight provided a distraction from my seemingly incessant pondering. with as much effort as i can muster, i was able to go through half the day and still manage to enjoy portions of the show.

half the day, yes, for i decided to go home ahead of them, alone.

solace

stray negative thoughts are starting to take over me. i am slowly losing my strength and there is no one for me to hold on. contrary to popular beliefs, john stan is not always an iron pillar. he may seem that way but deep within, just like everybody else, he feels that need for a shoulder to lean on to, at times.

waking up monday morning, i knew i had to seek solace elsewhere. i needed my moment of silence to be able to re-assess my own perspectives. retreating to that special place where i could always find my inner peace came to mind and the willing body followed without much effort.

a few hours later, i found myself staring at the wide skies of caleruega. despite feeling a bit cold, walking alongside the lush greens still brings me warmth from within; the clouds and the mountains, all of them sending me little messages of serenity.

as i entered the church on top of the hill, i was struck with a new knowledge about truths and friendships.

that each of us believes certain truths that others may find hard to accept. we cannot really hold it against each other for this is what we are exposed to;

that there exists friendship not only because of the truths we share but also with those we don't but learned to respect.

and just like that, john stan has found his wings and learned to fly again.

today has become a day of decisions.
-twitter entry, feb 16


***

right now, the future looks bleak. opening this blog again means inviting the risk of exposure. but i have learned my truths and with that, i am facing this game more ready than i used to be.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

sarili kong marathons

ako ay isang malaking-malaking couch potato

simula ng tanggapin ko ang katotohanang dadalhin ako ng aking trabaho sa malalayo at liblib na lugar, isa sa nakahiligan kong pampalipas-oras ay panonood ng dvd.

naalala ko ‘nung wala pa si zoom-zoom, tamad na tamad akong lumabas ng planta. bakit nga naman hindi e napakalaking pahirap na agad ‘yung pagpunta pa lamang sa simbahan ng antipolo. mula sa lugar ko, sasakay ako ng traysikel at bibyahe ng humigit-kumulang kalahating oras para makalabas ng bundok. pagkatapos nito ay mga dalawampung minuto naman sa dyip para makarating sa bayan. minsan naman kapag sinwerte ay pwede ring makisakay sa malalaking trak palabas. sayang ang tubig, sabon, shampoo at pabango na ginamit mo dahil wala ka pa sa nais mong puntahan, lahat ng alikabok, dumi, usok at masamang hangin e nasagap mo na.

kaya naman kung wala rin lamang importanteng gagawin sa labas ng planta ay mas pinipili kong umuwi na lang at maglagi sa maliit kong kwarto. pag-uwi ko sa gabi mula sa trabaho ay sisimulan ko na ang magdamagang dvd marathon, dahilan upang maging antukin sa trabaho kinabukasan.

noong una, karaniwang mga pinapanood ko ay mga pelikula subalit sa bandang huli ay magsasawa ka rin pala lalo na kung wala ka ng mapagpipilian. dito ako nagsimulang mahilig sa mga series na talaga namang kailangang tutukan para makuha mo ang kabuuan ng kwento. sa loob ng halos tatlong-taon kong paglagi rito, kabilang na ang paminsan-minsang paglabas ng bansa, ang mga sumusunod ay ilan lamang sa mga panooring aking pinaglaanan ng oras at panahon:

1. smallville – kwento ng teenager na clark kent. natapos ko na mula season 1 hanggang season 7. kasalukuyan kong hinihintay makumpleto ang season 8 bago ako bumili ng dvd.

2. sex and the city – minsan sa buhay ko ay naging tagahanga rin ako ni carrie bradshaw. ‘nang makilala ko ang fabcasters kamakailan lang, ang palabas na ito ang unang pumasok sa isip ko.

3. charmed – isa sa hilig ko ay mga bagay na may kinalaman sa occult at talagang marami akong natutunan sa loob ng walong seasons ng series na ‘to.

4. supernatural – sinabayan ko rin ang winchester brothers sa pakikipaglaban sa mga kampon ng kadiliman.

5. kyle xy – ito ang nag-iisang family drama na aking nagustuhan at sinubaybayan. kwento ito ng isang clone na kinupkop ng isang pamilya sa kabila ng mga kakaibang bagay tungkol sa kanya.

6. moonlight – isang bampirang private detective. maganda ang daloy ng kanyang kwento kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi na sinundan ang season 1.

7. gossip girl – dahil sa hot item ito ngayon, malamang sa hindi ay alam nyo na ang kwento. you know you love me, xoxo…

8. heroes – syempre ito ang aking pinagkakaguluhan ngayon. kasalukuyang nasa season 4 na ang palabas. hindi ko rin nakakalimutang pinangakuan ako ni mcvie ng episodes 11 – 14.

9. magic knight rayearth – adik na adik ako dito dati. talagang hinanap ko sa quiapo ‘yung english version para hindi na ko magsasayang ng oras na magbasa ng subtitles.

10. bt’ x – dahil sa kanya ay nangarap din akong magkaroon ng sariling robot. naisip ko, kapag nagkaganon, gusto ko ay hango sa imahe ng isang dragon, parang si raido.

11. full metal alchemist – natuwa ako sa pseudo-scientific na approach lalo na sa kakayahang makalikha ng mga ibang bagay mula sa isang uri na may kaparehong mass. bonus na ang philosopher’s stone.

12. fushiigi yuugi – sino ba ang hindi naaliw sa pag-iibigan nina miyaka at tamahome? sino ang hindi nalungkot sa sakripisyo ni hotohori? sino ang mas baliw pa sa akin ngayon?

katulad ng nasabi ko na, ang mga ito ay ilan lamang sa aking nakahiligan. ang mga nasabing palabas, hindi man tunay na nangyayari sa kasalukuyan, ay sumasalamin sa ilang katotohanang tunay na kapupulutan ng aral.

at sa muling pagsalang ng aking telebisyon, palaisipan naman kung ano ang aking bagong susundan. hindi man madaling hulihin ang aking panlasa, tiyak namang mayroon pa ring ilang palabas na nakaligtas sa aking mapanuring mata.

siguradong makikita rin kita. hanggang sa muling pagsuyod sa quiapo


***

i watch this type of series because in them, i am able to escape reality and sail into the world of the unknown. often times, i end up discovering certain things which in turn allow me to dissect and challenge my own perspectives.

Monday, February 9, 2009

memories

sigurado akong karamihan sa atin ay nakaranas na ng break-up.

i can't help but notice that this subject is one of those hot topics that single men talk about. in a recent party that i attended, part of the "getting to know you" conversation revolves around the ex-es. knowing for a fact that most, if not all, the people who went there are single, i bet no one will contradict me for saying that there is no fool-proof formula in keeping a relationship stable.

but first thing first. let me reiterate that this is not a valentine post. the love month is almost halfway and the prospect of snagging a date by then is far down below in my priority list. in fact, i have already booked zoom and myself to go to the hot air balloon festival at clark.

i guess what i'm trying to say is that this entry is a celebration of my past relationships. i assure you, they weren't many but all of them took major roles in shaping me to be the better person that i am now. so how can you be angry with these people whom, once in your life, you offered your heart?

in my case, i remember every detail and i am not sure if its good. most of the time, people has this notion that i am having difficulty moving on because everything i experienced before are still fresh memories. so why do i hold on to them?

because every second shared were time well spent.

letting go of the memories would mean turning my back to people who became a part of me.

turning my back would mean regretting the decisions i have made in the past.

on the contrary, i think that the best indication that one has moved on is when you're able to re-live the memories without feeling the aches and the pains; when you can look into his eyes and thank him for the love that you shared, even if its just for a fleeting moment.

- - -

bert, six years ago, walking out on you that fateful day in tagaytay was the bravest thing i did. realizing for a fact that our love for each other is not enough to cross borders, ending what we have is probably the wisest decision i made then. one day, i hope to visit iloilo again and see you, perhaps even thank you. after all, you were the first person who made me feel special.

vince, you introduced me to your family and they have accepted our relationship no matter how different it may be. too bad i was not able to do the same for you. up to this time, i really have no idea why you even thought that you're not good for me. i have always told you then that i am just plain ordinary, that what made me unique and special was you loving me. but i guess that wasn't enough to assure us of a happy ending.

eric, we met under unconventional circumstances and yet we found love. i never doubted that. we experienced a lot of firsts together and you know how proud i am of your achievements in life. with you, i learned to find happiness in little things and treasure what i have. we were each other's safe haven then yet we always know how to make each other cry. be a good lawyer, no, be an honest lawyer. you know what i mean.

- - -

love is a puzzle that needs to be solved and there is no such thing as failed relationships. the people we meet in the past prepare us for that one true love in our future. so what we learned from them we should nurture, cherish the memories, right all the wrongs. so that when the right one comes along, he will be the final piece of the puzzle

and all search will be over.


***

i told myself i won't be writing a love-related entry this month but the urge got the best of me. the february mood made me ponder about them who were once i called mine. but unlike before, reminiscing about them now only puts up an honest smile and an earnest hope that wherever they may be, i hope they also learned from me.