Tuesday, April 28, 2009

no such thing

when i stepped out of the front seat to meet you, it means i am ready. in all aspects. i thought you are, too. you showed interest, a different kind of interest. or maybe i was just reading the cards the wrong way.

i must admit i don't know how to deal with you. never have i met such a challenge. but i was drawn to you deeply and so i tried my ways.

i failed.

we are at the opposite ends of the road. like asymptotic lines, we can only get so near but never be together. i tried to reach out but my efforts were futile. you never came out of your shell to at least meet me halfway.

i know when to give up. there's no point in waiting for the one who will never come. words are just words, plain and simple. and with that, i turned my back even to the slightest flicker of hope that there might be a future for us.

because just then, there's only the us that never was.


***

cheesecake, hot chocolate, great music and rain; enough to make me jump into the emo bandwagon.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

writer's block | b-earth day

it seems that lately, my mind has been playing tricks on me. all i have are series of incoherent thoughts that even writing a short entry requires much effort. is this another anxiety attack? for what?

anyway, today, people around the world are celebrating my b-earth day. i really don't understand all the fuss over it. since i entered the workforce a few years back, never did i celebrate this day; never treated it as something special. in fact, for two years now, including last night, i was at the office as the clock strikes twelve. blame it on my less than normal routine.

so now i am 27. it doesn't feel any different, though. a few wrinkles and a bunch of gray hairs, nothing that a nice smile can't hide.

but i guess i don't have to think too much about that because like any other day, my b-earth day is business-as-usual.


***

my most memorable birthday is my tenth not because it is the happiest but because i ended up in the hospital. a bottle of soda accidentally exploded in front of me and shards of broken glass flew everywhere. one in particular went to the left lower part of my mouth and voila, eight stitches.

Monday, April 20, 2009

just one night

two years ago, my encounter in bed bar ended up in bed. i never returned since.

to the bar, that is.

not until last saturday night where, for the first time in recent years, i did strut my stuff in the dance floor again.

a week back, on our way home from tagaytay, a blogger friend mentioned about his plan to go to malate. since i don't have anything else planned for the next weekend, i just decided to tag along. i felt it would be nice to see the place again and check out the new crowd. some bloggers are raving so much about it and i admit, i am beginning to get curious.

after a quick dinner at greenbelt, we arrived at the bar at half past one. the place is full already and bursting with energy. the crowd in itself is a mixture of personalities, from the young and hip to the old and desperate. hmmm, that sounded bad, forgive me. i am just trying to make a point.

but i was there already so might as well enjoy the night.

suffice to say, i did enough dancing to last me another two years.

the only difference from before is that now, i behaved.


***

john stan: i tried the clubbing scene once but that was it. sa bed, in fact...
clubber: cool. alone?
john stan: yes, i enjoy my times alone naman.
clubber: that's cool. so how did it feel?
john stan: it was nice. but then i realized it was not for me.
john stan: siguro i have outgrown that scene already...

Friday, April 17, 2009

john + stan

nice. i don't think that this is one description that will ever fit me. when people say that i am, i just remain silent, for i know that deep inside, there is still a darker part within me who may come out anytime should my defenses be lowered.

admittedly, i had my shares of blunders in the past. i am not always the same person willing to reach out and lend a hand. come to think of it, i have my "moments", too, when the nastier self is unleashed and my peaceful little world falls into chaos.

for the purpose of comparison, let us call the more mature side as john. i think he is a really nice fellow and a good friend. in your dire need, he'll come to you at a moment's notice, notwithstanding the circumstances.

he is the ace student, the dutiful son, the seasoned leader and the workaholic yuppie who exceeds expectations. give him a task and he will finish it in no time. beating deadlines is his game and i guess the best thing about him is that he keeps the finances intact.

when it comes to relationships, he is the all-out lover. he plans the best dates and the most romantic getaways. yes, he lives and breathes romance. lucky you for being the center of his world.

on the other hand, there is stan. he's the same guy who joined a fraternity way back in college and enjoyed beating up clueless neophytes for years. ask him to go for a drink and he will never back out. for a time, he tried smoking, both cigar and pot. good thing john was able to put some sense into his brain.

stan loves to experiment. he is the curious guy who will try anything at least once. but he will never admit that, especially when something goes wrong.

he is a player. don't mess with him unless you want your heart shattered to pieces. when he turns his back on you, he does it for good so never expect second chances. although i should say its really hard not to fall for his charms. he will entice you with his words.

for years now, john and stan are able to co-exist peacefully in my realms. who i am today is a combination of these two personalities. most of the time, john takes over. but don't push your luck because stan is still there...

...lurking in the shadows, waiting.


***

in a few days time, another year would have passed for me and it is time to look back as to how far i have progressed from the person i was before. if its true that maturity comes with age, i would say that i am suffering a mid-life crisis now. but then again, it doesn't...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

reflections on good friday

since i started working years back, this is the first time for me to go on-duty during holy week. usually, i just go home to the province and let my lazy self enjoy the pleasures that the holidays offer. but this year was different and i have to begin accepting the tragic truth - that along with the job promotion comes the fact that i should start turning my back on the prospect of holiday vacations.

while everyone was busy preparing their getaways, i was on normal routine; wake-up at seven, report to work at eight, lunch at twelve (sometimes), home by seven (at the minimum). that's my life, yes, if you can call it one. good thing, i am able to squeeze a few nights of fun in between. however, these nights extend up to the wee hours of the morning which means i have to endure the working day ahead. think of a walking zombie; no, not the "i am legend" ones, more of "resident evil" type.

it was a good thing though, that the boss allowed us to go on half-day last friday since the operations started to normalize the night before. with nothing to do and no particular place to go, i just decided to drive around the city. bad idea. traffic. i never expected to see thousands of people converge in one small place. just then, i opted to take the opposite route.

still with no place in mind, i took the road leading to laguna. as always, traversing around cliffs and mountains compels me to think about serious stuff. i gave in to the feeling and thus, decided to proceed to lake caliraya where, for sure, i'll find my much-needed peace.

i thought about my years after college; how i was turned down in my supposed-to-be first job due to my being color blind; the jobs i took after; where i am now, personally and professionally. it was not an easy journey but i'm more than thankful that the ups outweighs the downs. true enough, the choices we make stir our directions. the game of life is different and forever we should be grateful that there are second chances.

and grateful i am for all the chances i came across.

i guess, at this point in time, i have already achieved what i have set for myself. i am now ready to take it to the next level. but not today.

because today is an expression of gratitude.

gratitude for i am able to wake up everyday without any big worries.

gratitude for there is always food on the table to feed hungry mouths.

gratitude for good health for me and my family.

gratitude for a good job.

gratitude for worthy friends.

gratitude for loving and being loved in return.

gratitude for i am able to enjoy the little things that life has to offer.


stan and zoom-zoom chilling to great music

it was there by the roadside, in front of the lake, where i thanked everyone who made a mark in my life.


***

life is not complicated. living life is...

Monday, April 6, 2009

my tough ten

i am not sure how the conversation led to such stuff. at one point, i was just bitching around with turismoboi and tristantales and the next moment, i found myself answering tough querries worthy of boy abunda's imaginary mirror.

the rules are simple, just answer the ten questions as honest as we can. although, i should say that some of them are really over the top. but then again, question number 2 came from me which, i guess, by far, is not the easiest to answer.

10. who is your least favorite blogger and why?

not his fault, really, but i will probably feel better editing a high school paper than trying to decipher his words. so why do i come back to his blog? for sheer entertainment. i'm so bad i can see my tail wiggling in delight. nothing personal though.

9. if there's just one blog that you'll read, what is it?

hands down to chuvaness. i'm such a fan. might go to pepper lunch and bring her some flowers. i'm kidding, of course.

8. who do you think tells fabricated stories?

apparently, i'm not that bad. this one, i can't answer.

7. if there's one blogger whom you haven't met and would like to meet, who would it be and why?

it would be such a privelege to meet the wandering commuter. i want to hear the wonders he learn when he wanders.

6. if there was one thing that you'd like to write about but cannot (due to real or perceived complications) what would it be?

that would be about me being in a relationship right now. keeping it private is a conscious decision from both of us.

5. have you had sex with a blogger?

define sex. enough said.

4. have you had sex with a reader?

i wish. again, may i remind that i am being honest?

3. who is the most narcissistic/self-absorbed blogger that you know?

i do not know him personally and this is solely based on his entries in his blog. well, maybe its because i don't write my encounters here and he describes his in full details. tristan, is this you?

2. who do you want to have sex with?

he fits the picture of my ideal pang-kama guy. too bad he is a top, i think.

1. based on how you know this blogger through his (or her) blog, who would you like to be in a serious relationship with?

funny because all three of us agreed about this blogger. shit, tatlo kaming kabit!

and now i am tagging jamiedavinci, pinoypoz and bloiggster.

funny as it may seem, discussing this with friends is so much better. parang chismisan lang.

Friday, April 3, 2009

the graduate

this day, six years ago, was the day of my college graduation.

i can still remember the feeling of excitement then. my fifteen-year academic journey has ended and i can't wait to explore the world outside the gates of the university. armed with the knowledge and skills i have acquired, i braced myself for the battles ahead thinking that i am ready to face all the obstacles. what happens next, i am not sure. being young and idealistic, i hoped for the best.

but holding an engineering degree from a state university in the province is not enough, that i am sure of. the next step for me then is to pass the board examinations to become a professional in my field. i spent the next four months reviewing and preparing for the gruelling exams ahead.

it was the longest time i stayed away from home. together with friends, we were renting this small penthouse in sampaloc. the ultimate goal is to learn as much as we can to make sure that we pass the board but eventually, i realized that more than the lessons discussed in the center, it was the experiences during this whole time that directed me to take a step further.

a week after the exams, i was informed by my friend that the results were already out. the thing was, the list of successful examinees was already posted in the newspaper a day before. needless to say, i scanned all the stands just to get that particular issue. luckily, i was able to get a copy which i am keeping until this very day.

but when the excitement faded, something else kicked in. my carefully laid direction became a little bit hazy. until now i am not sure what happened but i just found myself turning my back on the call of work.

i returned to my university and enrolled myself in two master's program, engineering and math. it was not the most popular decision then because it seems that i am letting all the good opportunities pass me by. "strike while the iron is hot", yes, that's what i keep on hearing.

i did not finish the semester. a day came when i just realized that i don't want to study anymore. worse, i am not sure what i wanted to do with my life. right then and there, i packed my bags and told my parents that i want to go to my mom's province in the south.

for almost two months, i stayed with my lolo in surigao. but even under his wings, he allowed me to be responsible for myself. somewhere along the way, i lost who i am and he made me understood that its up to me to find that person and bring him back.

and i did, before everything was too late.

that was the turning point of my life. i bid my lolo goodbye and returned home. upon arriving, i had a long talk with my parents, telling them about my next plans. more than being supportive, i thanked them for trusting me enough to decide for myself and in the process, surpass the dark tunnel on my own.

after that, my path was clear again. i did not deny the call of work anymore.

i decided to act like the adult i am supposed to be.


***

a few months after my second term at the country's premiere university, a family crisis came. in order for me to continue my studies, i was left with one option and that is to go back to our province. back then, i did not understand yet why i am supposed to be the one to sacrifice.

had fates not intervened, i would have finished my degree from the university of the maroons.

but i am glad that fate did for i am not regretting who i turned out to be.