Tuesday, February 2, 2010

taking a bow

i have always been telling myself that i don't need to make my own mistakes to learn, but in the end, it is when you learn from your own experience that you truly understand.


unlike many of you, my new beginning did not start on the first month of the year. hell, i don't even know if it will start any day soon. but i'm trying. deeply. hard. what matters for now is that i was able to finally allow the lessons to sink in.

clueless, huh? i bet not.

i've been spending a lot of alone time lately that i was able to dissect what happened to me in the past few months. i know; it was not very good. and i see many heads nodding in agreement. as one friend puts it, there were times that you, guys, thought i metamorphosed badly. i couldn't blame you. john stan has been bad. really really bad.

for the longest time, i allowed myself to be in control of every situation. i always think ahead as regards to outcomes and possibilities. that's why, when confronted with critical circumstances, i always bring on the table the best options, if not, the most acceptable ones. the concepts of right and wrong do not change and whatever decision i make, i always try to at least make sure it favors what is right and proper.

but i am not a saint.

and when i allow my innately human nature to take charge, i cannot always promise to do the right things. thus, the transformation you saw is only a glimpse of how wicked i can become. i can do worse, i assure you. for i have been there. i let go of my own rules to experience the true, the good, and the beautiful. selfish as it may seem, it was me giving myself a break. i'm sure some of you would understand that.

so to all of you who were in the receiving end of my lapses in judgment, i deeply apologize.

to all of you who, in one way or another, have been affected by my behavior, i am sorry.

i do not wish to make any more promises for i might break them in the end. for now, i guess i'll be finding peace in solitude, continue roaming the dark roads for elusive answers, hoping to go back to what i once was, but this time, wiser, more compassionate, better.

john stan will start waiting for sunrise again.


and when zoom returns,
you're free as a bird...

- galen

5 comments:

  1. And like what I told you about transformations, in many times, our true nature - the essence of self, remains.

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  2. Just because others do not agree with you doesn't make your journey, your lessons and your truths any less valid.

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  3. i'm sure they understand. tao ka lang. =)

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  4. things, they say, always look better in the morning. But I guess I do not necessarily want 'better' and I'd go for 'real' in a heartbeat. Good thing I am a night person. hehehehe

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