Tuesday, August 31, 2010

revelations | part 2

...and like any other person with whom such truth had been hidden, he's not very pleased.


and why would he be?

this blog is a testament of my wicked ways. at best, it illustrates the string of emotions and personalities i can conjure to justify all the actions i did in the past. true, our happiest of times were celebrated in many entries. but along the same line, the blog outwardly spoke of my faults, if not deceits.

yes, jason read it all and i distinctly remember the pain that evidently lingers in his eyes. and the fact that he really truly loves me intensifies that pain, reverberating in his inner being, taking so much of his strength as he tries to contain it from coming out.

i was lost for words. i hated myself. it pains me to see him suffering. a punch straight in the gut would have been better for i would have endured it more. but this one, this one is different. and the sad truth slapped me right smack on the face - i don't want to lose the guy but it seems, that is were we're heading.

at that point, i see jason driven to the wall, and i, i could only hope for the best.

Sunday, August 29, 2010

revelations | part 1

blogger friends often ask me if jason knows about my blog. most of the time, i'd say no and offer this explanation:

"there are a lot of things in my blog that are not very easy to digest. you know very well of the crazy things that i did before. but unlike you who are all very much accepting of such things, jason is different. he's sheltered and might not be able to understand that one person can go through such a phase. it is different from your point of view, knowing that you have followed my journey all this time. but to someone who will be reading me for the first time, without so much a grasp of what lies beneath each entry, it's very easy to pass judgment. of course, i look forward to the day that everything will be revealed to him, perhaps bit by bit as our relationship progresses. but until then, john stan will remain a mystery."

then that day finally came when this blog has been revealed and my biggest fears realized.

for now, jason knows.

and like any other person with whom such truth had been hidden, he's not very pleased.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

surrendering

i thought i was ready to give it all up.

i thought i was ready to let go.

but i was wrong.

we had a long talk last night.

we poured our hearts out.

in the end, we understood each other and accepted our mistakes.

and we began to hope again.



***


john stan will be on blog hiatus for a while. what happened in the past days made me realize that i am no free spirit anymore and running away will neither solve my problems nor make me feel better. this time, i am allowing myself to face life head on and rebuild what was nearly destroyed.

i hope you're still with me when i get back. to all of you, my sincerest thanks.

Friday, August 13, 2010

the day is almost over

i need a break.

for all this drama is taking a toll on me.

i hope it's the 23rd already.

one week in a foreign country will surely clear my mind and cleanse my spirit.

not to mention the hot boys.

yes, i'm looking forward to all that fun.

for that trip, i'll be leaving everything behind.

and do what i do best.

but first, i just had to get through this day.

only a little more and it will be over.

right, it's supposed to be our ninth month together.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

from the third person

are they doomed from the start?

what they had was supposed to be a one-night-stand - boy meets boy, flirts, have sex, part ways. but that was not the case. the boys were really at it that they became constant companions.

days passed and the sex was getting lesser and they started dating more seriously. weeks became months and they finally decided to give it a go. nothing else mattered for they were both happy.

or so they thought.

eventually they found out that the world they built is far from perfect. but still they tried. after all, they have each other to lean on. they have their love. that was supposed to be enough.

but it seems, they were mistaken once more.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

caring no more

i guess at some point, you get very mad that whatever happens in the future, you started to care no more. and with that, i just want to say that i'm taking back my word - nakakasawa na rin pala!

here i am trying to be the better me and then i find out that all this time, he did not trust me fully. ganoon pala 'yun? nakakagago pala when you realize the fact na lahat ng actions mo pinagdududahan; that every time he opens my laptop, he's searching for something that would prove his allegations; that every time he has my phone, he's looking for something that would incriminate me.

fuck!

tapos kapag nagtatalo kami parang ako pa ang laging may kasalanan to the point that i will ask for forgiveness even if i did not do anything wrong. shit! all the while i was thinking that it would be for the better not to engage into any argument. all the while i was thinking that i am being more mature and considerate not to entertain bad thoughts. hell, i was very very wrong!

one year of knowing each other and yet hindi pa rin pala kami talaga magkakilala. nine months into the relationship and it would still come to this - petty issues still result to huge misunderstandings.

and it's all really because of trust.

and i'm really really starting not to care anymore.

Friday, August 6, 2010

short and direct

mababaw lang pala ang tulog ko kanina kaya nagising ako sa text na 'to:


susko, sana naman nagpakilala muna. nasaan na ang obligatory asl, stats at pic questions?

hay naku, i swear, my past is haunting me already. sino kaya siya? makapag-shower na nga!

Thursday, August 5, 2010

even though

even though we go out every so often,

even though you stay at my place when you're off from work,

even though we have breakfast together three times during the week,

even though we regularly send each other notes and messages while working,

even though you're the last person i talk to before i sleep

and the first one i talk to when i wake up,

kahit pa ang attention span ko ay maikli at ang emotional intelligence ko ay mababa,

hinding-hindi pa rin ako magsasawa.

Monday, August 2, 2010

goodbye, officially

i went out on a date last saturday night. so what's new with that, you might ask. well, it was a date with an ex-boyfriend.

ang landi ko lang talaga, dabah?

he's been inviting me for the longest time since we crossed paths again but i see no reason to meet him so i always decline. however, this time, i obliged. because there's something i want to prove, not to him, not to anyone, but to myself.

and so we met at around 9:00 pm for a late dinner in timog. unlike before, the meeting was not awkward anymore and we were sharing stories about our lives since the time we parted ways. i told him about my relationships after him, careful though not to mention anything about jason. it was not yet time.

for his part, i found out that he had a girlfriend after me but it didn't take long for them to go on separate ways. after that, he decided to concentrate on his career full time. he admitted that he was very happy when i made contact again late last year. he knew i was mad at him but that meeting last september was the end of any animosity between us.

dinner was great and i sensed that he had no plans to go home yet. since there's a slight drizzle, he invited me to have coffee and hang-out in his car. i remember he mentioned before that he got one already but i've never seen it yet so imagine my surprise when he asked me to step inside a black mazda 3. his was a 2010 model and he showed me the car's new features.

o heto na ang hinihintay niyo.

i was putting a cd in his stereo when he started caressing my legs. getting no reaction from me, he then proceeded to open my fly. i was still silent when he held my face, his lips slowly meeting mine. i was checking myself for any reaction but i got none. and then an answer hit me straight on the head - his kiss was not meaningful to me anymore. even his touch fail to elicit any romantic feeling. in short, wala na talaga!

i slowly pulled away and faced him. and without much effort, i said no.


***


i was already on my way home but my parting words still echoed in my head.

"i have a boyfriend now and i love him. perhaps not as much as i loved you before but we're getting there. so this time, i ask you in peace, allow me to say goodbye, officially."