Thursday, September 30, 2010

when september ends

"i think hindi naman siya talaga sa 'yo galit but with the idea that you can do what you do; like the things that clash with his beliefs."

this may not be his exact words but i guess that's how a friend wants his message to be received. o baka naman medyo bangag lang ako that time? tsk, tsk, tsk!

but admittedly, i thought about what he said. siguro nga, many of you were offended with the things that i did before. i cannot blame you for that since we were all brought up differently. and i myself was brought up to respect other people's opinions.

however, if you hate me because i can do the things that you deem dishonorable (tama ba?), then it's not my problem. i guess my only fault is that i failed to recognize how you really felt.

but you were my friend and i trusted you in more ways than one. i valued your opinion on certain matters since we go a long way - way way before all this drama in our lives unfolded.

now that i know how you really felt, the feeling is all mutual. i don't think i can ever trust you again anymore. you don't deserve it.

and yes, you are one of those i wouldn't regret saying goodbye to.


***

to you guys, thanks for the invite last monday. it was, indeed, a pleasant way to spend a monday night. jason sends his regards to all of you.

pasensya na, tahimik lang talaga 'yun. but he's very much aware of what's happening. na-shock lang. hindi sanay sa maraming bakla, choz!

Friday, September 24, 2010

of work and other opportunities

i realized i have been neglecting my blog lately. i've been too busy with work in the past weeks and the few times i was able to spare to update my journal saw me writing negative stuff about my… uhmmm… haters. (but now i would like to think of them as closet admirers, just for the fun of it.)

well anyway, as i have said, work has been eating most of my time these days. in fact, i just came from baguio for the acceptance testing of a new control system that we will be installing in our power plant a few days from now. aside from that, i have two more projects in line by mid-october. so yes, i am quite stressed to the highest level.

but i am enjoying my job so don't get me wrong. especially with the fact that i am in the position to demand and negotiate. i always hear my colleagues say that no one really is indispensable when it comes to work. this may be true but sometimes, the truth bends. so let me flourish in this state for now, hehe!

by the way, there's this agency in makati whose principal is a multinational company based in dubai. i really don't know how they got hold of my number but they've been bugging lately. they told me that my background fits the qualifications provided by their principal who's opening a new plant in that city.

the offer is a compensation package which includes free accommodations, allowances, state-mandated benefits, expat status and a salary triple of what i am receiving right now. sounds good, noh?

whatchathink?

of course, i'd be branded as a fool if i won't consider such opportunity. but i did promise myself that if i can build a decent life here, i'd rather stay.

i mean, what really does a gay man need to live (aside from sex, echos!)? with my meager earnings, i was able to see my sister finish college. i can provide for my folks (not that they're asking). i can build my dream house. i can get zoom a new brother. i can eat whatever and whenever i want. i can provide for my needs and occasionally indulge with my wants. i guess, at this point, i'm blessed already and asking for more would really be too much.

plus, my home is here. the people i love are here. and no amount of money in this world can ever pay for the time that i can spend with them.

i guess, at the end of it all, what really matters is to know which are really important. as for me, my life is here.

hard, yes.

but i couldn't imagine it any other way.

Friday, September 17, 2010

to an ex-friend

ah yes, reading this piece brought a sudden inspiration to me. i don't know, maybe because i empathize with the author. there really are such cheap fellows in this world.

so lemme do a carrie here, only this time, more frank, more brutal. he's mabait kasi unlike me. and why not? i don't have any image to protect. i don't pretend to be a do-gooder. and when i'm bad, i am better.

so to you, an ex-friend,

punyeta ka!

you deserve it. and you know why.

both of you.

missing him

i've been here in the mountains for five days now and i'm missing my asawa terribly. everywhere i look, i see familiar places that remind me of our trip here together last june. if only he's here too, then work, no matter how difficult, will be much more bearable.

i miss hugging him when we sleep, kissing him whenever there's a chance. i miss our breakfast together and quick dinner at night during his work breaks. but more than that, i miss just seeing him, smelling his scent, feeling his touch.

absence truly makes the heart grow fonder. i can't wait for the week to end and be in his arms again.


- posted using blogpress from my iphone

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

a major major rant

disclaimer: to my readers, pasensya na. i will be setting aside my manners for a while to give way to this very important thing that i have to say.

.
.
.

kung sino ka mang tarantado ka na may galit o naiinggit sa amin, 'wag mong idamay ang partner ko. nananahimik siya at walang pakialam sa kagaguhan mo.

as i have written in my previous entries, my blog has already been revealed to him. i took that risk at masaya ako na in spite of the things that he found out, he still accepted me. and we're trying our very best to save all the good things that we have. sigurado hindi mo maiintindihan 'yun kasi wala ka namang bayag kaya nagtatago ka sa isang fake profile.

kaya tigil-tigilan mo na ang pagse-send sa kanya ng message sa facebook. tablado ka na sa akin gago ka!

and to even think of using the fake name na "john tan", konting originality naman, pare. tapos faceless profile pa. masama na nga ugali mo, duwag ka pa. kawawa naman ang nanay at tatay mo na nagkaroon sila ng anak na katulad mo.

and by the way, just so you know, may tracker kami and we know your IP already at kayang-kaya kong alamin anytime kung sino ka. kaya 'wag mo nang hintayin na mapahiya ka pa. believe me, i could be the evil stepmother you never had.

teka, baka naman it's the other way around. ikaw pala ang evil stepmom ko!

i should remind myself not eat apples from now on.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

revelations | part 3

...at that point, i see jason driven to the wall, and i, i could only hope for the best.

but heaven has been to good to us, or at the very least to me, for bestowing upon me a mature and understanding partner. jason is wise beyond his age and sometimes i wonder what good i did in the past to deserve such a blessing.

i remember writing before my hiatus that the plan is to build what was nearly destroyed. i guess, introducing john stan to jason is one big step towards achieving that goal. now, all my cards lay bare and i am only too glad that amid all the things he found out, he has accepted me, flaws and all. silly me for asking him why.

"love.", he says.

true, we are treading dangerous waters and who knows what other challenges we might encounter in the future. however, we have come to accept the fact that things will always be uncertain. no relationship is perfect and even ours will not be spared. but that's thinking forward too much already.

right now, what matters is that we have each other

and that should be more than enough.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

when coming out is not an option

after a short trip down memory lane, it's confirmed. i don't have any coming out story to tell.

and perhaps, years will pass and that same thought will never be entertained.

some of you may judge me for doing so. but in the first place, i don't seek anyone's acceptance. circumstances differ for each of us. believe me, i have a lot more to lose should i opt to come out in the open.

what matters is that i accept myself for who i am.

that is more than enough... for now.